You’ve been living on your own for a while. Actually, it’s been ages. Your partner moved out sometime ago. These days you have become pretty set in your ways. Time for a change?
Remember the old couple talking on the bench at Brighton pier? You know, the ones with the handkerchief on their heads and varicose veins. They don’t wish they had made more money. Or saved more money. Or spent more time in the office in pursuit of a promotion.
No, they wish they’d had sex in the office. And shagged the hot colleague. The one with the nice bottom. And paid for that, er, all-inclusive massage in Thailand. And then there’s the naked bungee-jump they passed on. Or the nudist beach in the Canaries. Or…
So live a little and be aware of the following signs you should find a partner ASAP.
1. Sexy is so yesterday
Your pants drawer is something Bridget Jones would be proud of. Your formerly-sexy thong is but a threadbare and stained shadow of its former self. In fact, you only change your knickers on special occasions.
You have so much armpit hair that you’re probably fluent in German by now. And your legs? Fred Flinstone springs to mind.
2. Non-existent social life
You’ve become a House Mouse. This is due to nights out on the town resulting in a 5 day recovery period. It used to take an afternoon to deal with the hangover. These days, you’re trashed. And they don’t play Rick Astley any more either. Sorry.
So, you arm yourself with a list of excuses ready in response to your mate’s text to come out. These range from washing your hair to… the dog died. Popular, aren’t you?
3. Your karaoke repertoire is outdated
The only songs you can perform at karaoke are Elton John, The Beatles, Neil Diamond and anything by Elvis. This leaves your younger peers stumped and confused. Important to stress to them that this music is all before your time, of course.
You might want to stick to instrumentals or hum to the new stuff and just go with the flow. Hopefully no-one will notice or care due to inebriation.
4. Nights in watching old movies
You spend far too much time on Youtube reminiscing about old children’s TV characters like Basil Brush and the theme tune from Here Comes Mumphie (1975).*
*None of these names should be mentioned to your friends in case it gives away your age.
Whenever a famous person dies, you spend a lot of time watching these old stars from movies, TV football or motor racing. Trying to find the theme tune from Bergerac. And the Rockford Files. You’ve never had this much choice since, well since Channel 4 came on air. Oh no, don’t start looking up Brookside… Gordon Bennett. And don’t say Gordon Bennett in front of modern friends. Showing your age.
5. Half ten bedtime
Late nights were starting to take their toll. Not anymore. You’ve started to listen to Radio 2. If that’s not bad enough, this is the late show directed at night owls and truckers. Ovaltine optional.
Later it gets really weird. Bands no-one ever heard of. Who’s listening to this?
6. Sex once a week or less often
Sex happens on a Wednesday. You can’t be bothered during the rest of the week. It’s far more efficient this way.
You ask if your sex partner doesn’t mind you reading the Kindle for the first part. If you’re a man you complain about your back. Quickies are out of the question. Not enough time to think about someone at work. Oh, and your Rampant Rabbit gave up the fight. Beyond repair.
7. You perv on youngsters
You fancy your son’s or daughter’s friend. Quite badly. You need to commit to your partner quick, to avoid being the desperate one leering at them in the kitchen.
Grow up. This isn’t a porno, you know. Even your cousin wasn’t bad looking at that recent wedding. Oh dear…
8. Loud & proud and other bum notes
You’ve started to fart liberally while around the house. You never knew you could hold a note for that long.
You used to visit the bathroom or blame the cat, but you don’t even bother with the charade anymore. In fact, the cat left 6 months ago. Probably due to your farts.
And remember, the poor confused old sailor next door thinks there’s a ship coming in each time you drop your bat. And the neighbours have names for you. Like, Noisy Arse, Fartastic and Ms/Mr Methane to name a few.
9. Your best friend is a dog
You indulge the dog in far too much affection. In fact he’s trying to escape. Remember when he ‘kisses’ you he was licking his own arse just minutes prior.
You bought him a whole set of junk in the Dog Starter Pack you found on Amazon. Including a diabetic pet blood sugar checking kit. Your pet names for him include Poochy, Ploppy and Poo-Poo. It’s going too far.
10. You are stuck in Elvis era
You have no idea which music is in the Top 10, nor in fact could you name a song by Taylor Swift or One Direction. If asked about these new stars, you just nod in agreement, but in fact your evenings are spent watching the classics on Youtube.
You need to try watching BBC Newsbeat or a Youtube Vlogger to find out which gay singer has just died his hair. Or if Elton has ordered a new baby. Get with it. And remember, Take That were never a proper band.
11. Your house is a mess
Being a bedroom tiger starts with, er, cleaning it. And you know about the en-suite toilet stains but hey, no-one is coming over today. Again. Visitors wouldn’t call it a mess but… they wipe their feet on the way out. And your condoms are out of date. Pathetic.
You’ve taken to using a travel kettle next to your bed. Quaint. But brewing a tea-bag twice is just plain tight. Peanut debris under the sheets is a real turn-off. Unless you’re a rodent.
And Oreo’s are not a proper meal. Look what you’ve become. Eating for two would make much more sense.
12. Gardening is your biggest obsession
You spend a lot of time in the garden and listening to that dodgy gardening programme on Radio 4. You know, the one with the eccentric Oxford types.
In fact, you found yourself looking for a bird bath de-icer on Amazon. Whatever next? Squirrel bathing-costume? You need to get out more. Or settle down…
I hope you have fully understood these early signs of Victor Meldrew Syndrome. So to ensure you don’t have the same regrets of those two oldies on the bench at Brighton, make some changes. You can avoid one foot in the grave by following the 80/20 Principle. Allocating 20% of your time to enjoying yourself, buying sexy clothes, meeting a new person, having sex with the lights on, and generally being a little more silly.