When was the last time you had multiple orgasms? Did you have 2, 3, 4, or more orgasms in a row? Did you know that you have this super power? Did you know that the best sex you will have will be in your 40’s? Have you ever wished that someone would share sex secrets with you?
Maybe you already know a lot about sex, but there is always something to learn. After all of these years as a certified sex therapist, I still learn something new every week. I am going to let you in on five sex secrets that you need to know.
1. No one can ‘give’ you an orgasm
It’s not as if an orgasm is wrapped up in a pretty present box with a big bow on top. If this was the case more women would experience orgasm frequently. Men think they can ‘give’ a woman an orgasm. This isn’t the case and the sooner women realize this, the sooner they can empower themselves to experience more sexual pleasure.
I remember a woman I worked with who struggled with anxiety related to sex. She told me that when she had sex with a guy and she couldn’t reach orgasm that she would fake it. She didn’t want the guy to think she didn’t enjoy sex or that he didn’t please her. The anxiety she was feeling about it effected other areas of her life. Her confidence decreased and she began thinking that she wasn’t any good at sex. She began to think that she had to fake it every time.
I shared with her that a man couldn’t ‘give’ her an orgasm. We discussed how she had to be in a mental space to experience it. I normalized what she was experiencing and helped her reframe how she viewed her sexual experience. She realized she had to relax, be more present, and connect with her body in order to experience an orgasm. She became empowered to speak up for what felt good and more importantly, what didn’t feel good. She stopped faking orgasms and worked through her fear of rejection from a man if she didn’t orgasm. She was able to decrease her anxiety and experience the pleasure she had been waiting for.
2. There are 3 types of orgasms
What type of orgasm do you enjoy the most? Which one is your favourite – clitoral, vaginal, or blended? Were you taught the differences in these and how to experience them? This is a very important sex secret that most women aren’t aware of. The study of sexuality hasn’t focused on female pleasure, which is why most women don’t understand pleasure. Understanding the differences in orgasms is very important because it can help demystify some of your beliefs about sex.
Every woman experiences clitoral, vaginal, and blended orgasms differently. Studies show that the majority of women do not experience orgasm through penetrative sex alone. Most women require clitoral stimulation. This is due to the thousands of nerve endings in the clitoris and the sensation it provides when stimulated. This is often the ‘go-to’ area for stimulation because it works most of the time. Vaginal orgasms are experienced during penetrative sex whether with a penis or a sex toy. In most cases, during penetrative sex, the clitoris is receiving some type of stimulation from the actual movement. This means that the clitoral region is always stimulated in some way. A blended orgasm is a combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation. This is when you experience pleasure from both areas. Be sure not to put too much pressure on the type of orgasm and focus on what feels good to you.
3. Masturbation is more pleasurable than sex
This is a secret because it is rarely talked about. Many women are embarrassed that they would rather masturbate than have sex, because they have a better chance of orgasm. Think about it alike this: you have had years of practice of what touch feels good and what doesn’t. You probably have a certain position that allows you to experience the most pleasure when you practice self-love. When you masturbate you don’t have to worry or feel pressured to please your partner, you get to focus just on yourself. It makes sense that masturbation is easier than sex for many women. It is very hard to replicate this with sex or your partner’s touch.
Don’t get discouraged, just realise that it will feel different and that it’s completely normal. There isn’t anything wrong with you for knowing that you are able to reach orgasm through masturbation and that you may have a more difficult time through sex. Share this with your partner and let him know that it isn’t what he is doing wrong. It is about you knowing what feels good to you. No one knows your body better than you, but you can teach him how to touch you the way you like.
4. You are not broken
Have you struggled to reach orgasm? Have you felt like something was wrong with you sexually? Has your partner made you have feel that you aren’t good enough in bed? I have worked with many women who felt they were sexually broken. They seek help because they can’t have an orgasm, sex is painful, or they feel that they aren’t good enough in bed.
A past client shared with me that her boyfriend told her on many occasions that something was wrong with her because she couldn’t reach orgasm. He told her that his past partners always orgasmed and he has never had any complaints about his ability to please a woman. During the session, she couldn’t stop crying because she couldn’t figure out what her problem was with sex.
We explored her sexual history including a discussion about her emotional, sexual, and intimacy needs. She was able to identify that her needs weren’t getting met in many different areas of the relationship. She struggled to tell this to her partner because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She was able to improve her confidence and strength by telling him exactly what she needed. They were both committed to work on the relationship and they were able to improve their communication and his ability to hear what she needed. As trust and communication improved and she was able to enjoy sex and intimacy with her boyfriend. She realized that she was not broken and that sex kept getting better every time she spoke up for what felt good for her.
5. Treat sex like a workout
If you want to bake a cake, you have to preheat the oven. If you want to warm up leftovers, you use a microwave. Think of your libido like an oven, you have to preheat and prepare for sex. This is very different than a man who is like a microwave, where you just hit a button or two and they are ready to go. The problem is that most men think women are like microwaves, they hit a button or two and can’t believe you are not ready for sex. Have you ever been with a guy that kisses you for a minute then goes straight for your boobs or your vagina? You try and slow him down, but he doesn’t have a clue. You are left feeling irritated and turned off, which causes you to push him away.
If you don’t feel ‘in the mood’ to have sex, and your man is ready to jump in bed, be clear about what you need. Tell him that you need foreplay which can be a massage or other sensual touch to help you get warmed up. Once you start, your desire will kick in, and you will enjoy the experience. Compare this to your weekly workouts. You may dread having to put your workout clothes on and go to the gym. However, you feel better after your workout and you are glad you went. You probably never regret a workout. You may sometimes dread having sex and may not want to do it, however, once you get going, you feel better, and don’t regret it afterwards.
Sex secrets are meant to be discussed and shared. This is why women must continue to embrace their sexuality and discuss their pleasure more openly. These are just five of the many sex secrets that all women should know. From multiple orgasms to solo self-love, stop waiting on the side lines, take action, so you can experience the best pleasure of your life.
What are your best sex secrets? Share them with us in the comment section below!