Trouble approaching women

I have a hard time approaching women. I like going out with my friends, but when it comes to striking up a conversation with a woman that I like I can’t bring myself to make the first move. Every time I go out with the intention to approach girls, I freeze. How do I overcome my anxiety?

Jayden, 23
Answered by:

Please don’t think that you are alone with this problem of approaching women. In fact, this is the number one sticking point my coaching clients struggle with. But let me tell you a secret. Approach anxiety is not the real issue of your problem. I know. That might sound confusing, but let me ask you a question: can you approach the waitress who brings you your coffee? Can you talk to the cashier at the supermarket? The real issue that you struggle with runs deeper than that. I mean, you talk to your mother, your coworkers and even your female friends on a daily or weekly basis. In other words, you are not afraid to talk to women. What you are really afraid of is to be considered unworthy and unlovable.

How do I know that? Well, because I’ve been in the exact same situation. Not so long ago I struggled with what I called approach anxiety. Eventually, I realised that my feeling of being unworthy runs so deep that I considered every rejection, every “sorry, but I have a boyfriend” as a personal insult. Of course, you can try to cure the symptoms of your approach anxiety by doing hundreds of approaches without every confronting the underlying cause. But then you only run in circles. That’s like treating depression with medication without ever asking yourself why you are depressed in the first place.

The key to overcoming this anxiety is to go back to your past and to remember the cause. Maybe you had a bad experience in high school. Maybe your mother rejected you over and over again. Unfortunately, we live in a society where trying to overcome your issues with women and dating on an emotional level is seen as weak, at least when you are a man. However, you have to realise that even though you are strong on the surface, your real issues are always connected to your emotions. Once you break down these emotional barriers, your healing process and the journey towards a successful dating life will begin.


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