How to banter

I simply don't know how to say the flirty things to women in a genuine, authentic and playful way. No words come to me during chit-chat that resemble flirting or bantering. Using canned lines isn't a way I'd like to go. I realise this is important, but I don't know how to start flirting with women without it being awkward or accidentally creepy. If you have any suggestions on how to get better at flirting I would really appreciate it.

Nathan, 22
Marni Kinrys
Answered by:
Dating Coach, Author, TV & Radio Personality

I have a quick and easy way to find your flirt and learn how to banter without coming across as creepy. But first I want to give you a mini lesson on banter so that you get a full understanding of what it is and why it’s so important to women.

Bantering is defined as “The playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks”. In many ways, it’s a verbal back-and-forth; where the goal is for both parties to enjoy themselves rather than one person or the other wounding or insulting the other. What bantering is not is being coarse, rude or insulting. These are huge no no’s and not at all sexy. At least not to the women you want be with. Bantering is a way to showcase you, your personality, your wit and your level of intelligence. Which is why it’s so important to women. It lets us know who you are and what you are capable of in a short amount of time.

The key to being a great banterer is being a great association maker. It is the process of connecting you and what you know or have experienced to something else in front of you and then making it witty. The better you get at making quick associations, which you can totally train your brain to do, the better your bantering skills will become. And the more intelligent or wittier your associations are, the sexier you look! Which is why, first I want to teach you how to practice making associations because that’s what I think is missing. That and the knowledge that ruffling a few feathers with women is totally acceptable.

The exercise I’m about to give you is going to help you work your association muscle so that banter comes to you faster and more easily. It’s an exercise I used to do back in the day when I would do in person bootcamps. I would partner everyone up and for 3 minutes, 1 of the guys would select random words and say them to the other guy and the other guy would have to talk about that word for 1 whole minute. Anything that this one word conjured up for him, he would have to spit out of his mouth. Stories, opinions or associations.

If you have a friend, you guys can definitely do this together but if not then you can certainly practice this on your own by getting a deck of flash cards from the dollar store and going through them one by one and giving yourself 2 minutes per card to make as many associations as possible. Do this for 30 minutes each night for 2 weeks and it will get your association muscle sparked and you’ll start to see how much knowledge you have to contribute and things you have to share.

This alone can give you the confidence you need to banter and flirt cause it will alleviate all that pressure you put onto yourself. Your natural wit may shine through. But if your wit still needs some fine tuning, I highly suggest you do two things. Firstly, sign up for an improvisation class. Improv is where I discovered my sense of humor and I got to do it in a safe place where I could fail and I would not be judged for it. The second thing you can do is to start watching old vaudeville movies. These guys had to learn how to banter. Watch people like the Marx brothers. Their timing and wit and twist on associations are amazing. Having visual examples that you can watch and emulate will help fine tune your banter skills. With time you’ll become your own banter master!


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