How to get him to commit?

I am dating a guy that I like and we get along pretty well: we have common interests, we enjoy doing things together and we are comfortable with each others company. He is caring and attentive and I wouldn’t mind settling down and moving in with him. However, every time I start a conversation on this topic, he freaks out and says he needs his personal space and he doesn’t think it’s going to work. How to get him to commit? I don’t want to be pushy, but I don’t want to waste my time either if our relationship is not leading us anywhere.

Polina, 32
Renee Slansky
Answered by:
Dating & Relationship Coach

When men start dating a woman, they aren’t in a rush to settle down and they see commitment as something that will eventually happen with the right woman. As women, however, we are usually more focused on the commitment and the stability or outcome of dating the man rather than just enjoying the process of getting to know the man. Don’t forget it’s not just about the commitment, but who you are actually committing to. And the investment doesn’t stop once you get the guy. If anything, it increases.

If you have been dating only for a few months, then moving in together shouldn’t really be on the cards, as you are still getting to know who he is. If you have been dating for over a year and he is still afraid to commit to you then it could be because he doesn’t feel like his life is better with you. The main reason why men commit is that they know their life is better with the woman, rather than without her.

It sounds like you need to stop being so available and start focusing on thriving outside of this man so that you can create more chase. I would also try and work out how you can affirm him when you are together so that he feels good about himself. Remember men are looking for a team player, not a woman who wants to force them to do something.

If you feel that you are doing everything right and giving him the space he wants whilst also focusing on yourself, then he could have an attachment disorder and therefore will struggle to commit to any woman. The best way to know a man’s intentions and character is to look at what he is consistent in. If he has patterns of never being able to commit to small things and always seems to break promises, then he will most likely find it extremely difficult to commit on a bigger scale. Give the man his space and let him feel your absence a little so he can learn to appreciate your presence.


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