Setting boundaries

The guy that I met on a dating site recently attempted to make a move on the first date. I tried setting boundaries by telling him that I am not in the mood for one night stands. A few days later he asked me out again that I took as a sign he sees something more in me than just a hook up material. I was way more relaxed and we kissed, but then he texted me suggesting to be ‘just friends’. He is a fun person to be around with and while I value his friendship, I am attracted to him physically so now things are a bit awkward. I enjoy his company and I wouldn’t mind taking things further, it just seems that he is not interested in me as in a woman any more and he friendzoned me irreversibly. Have I done the wrong thing trying to slow things down and get to know each other before jumping to bed?

Lauren, 31
Jillian & Jan Yuhas
Answered by:
Relationship and Lifestyle Coaches

Dear Lauren, it appears Mr. One-Night-Stand isn’t looking for a relationship based on the information you have provided. Here is why:

First, he tried to make a move on the initial date without learning about who you are. Trying to hook-up on the same night you meet in real life is a good sign he only wants to casually date and isn’t looking for a commitment. It’s fair to give him a second date after setting boundaries of where you stand with him sexually. However, it appears he took the second date so he could have a chance to reject you, as you rejected his sexual advances on the first date. This man is not only not ready for a relationship, but he is operating from his ego and unable to handle any sort of rejection from a woman. An emotionally mature man would respect your boundaries, continue to pursue you, and wait for until you are ready to take the relationship to the next level.

Secondly, you can continue to pursue your friendship with him. However, it appears you may wish to continue the friendship in hopes of something growing romantically out of the connection. I would advise keeping the friendship platonic and only platonic. This man isn’t looking for a girlfriend. Just beware, you are hurting yourself in the process of thinking he may change his mind. Trying to prove to him you’re worthy to date will only give him more reason to reject you.

Thirdly, you didn’t do anything wrong in setting boundaries based on your relationship values and morals. You have a choice to decide when you are ready to explore your sexuality with a man. However, how you set the boundary is imperative to how it is received by the other party. For example, saying “I’m not in the mood for one night stands” could have been taken harshly. It would be more effective to say “I’m attracted to you, but if you don’t mind I would like to get to know you better before we take things to the next level”. This gives him insight that you like him and you’re not rejecting him. It shows you respect yourself and asking for a little more time before having sex. Setting boundaries based on your needs is more likely to be accepted in a positive manner, then negative. At the end of the day, if a man isn’t ready for a relationship, then there is nothing you can say or do that will change his mind. He has to decide when he is ready for a bigger commitment.


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