Tired of being a nice guy

I’ve been told that I am too nice to girls, which is why I am single. As a nice guy, I am tired of finishing last, so how do I be mean to girls?

Robert, 29
Dan Munro
Answered by:
Relationship and Confidence Coach

Nice Guys often face a perspective dilemma – they believe they must choose between nice and mean. We are so lost in our Nice Guy identities that we don’t see the alternative options. I was like this for most of my life. I thought being nice was option 1, and being an asshole was option 2. There was no option 3. So when girls told me I was too nice, I would get frustrated and think “What, you want me to be a prick? Fine, you asked for it!”

I tried being mean for a while, and it did actually “get” girls. In reality, what happened is that being a prick allowed some deeply insecure girls to become briefly attracted to me, because they mistook it for confidence, or they had unresolved Daddy issues. And I hated myself for being this way – I don’t enjoy treating people like garbage. So being mean was not my ideal situation, either. For a while I was lost. Being nice didn’t “work”, but being mean felt awful and fake. I felt like there was no way out. Until I saw the truth.

Both Nice and Mean are fake and manipulative. What Nice and Mean have in common is that they are strategies designed to manipulate people’s emotions. I was stuck because I was trying to choose a good manipulative strategy to make people like me – which is the secret Nice Guy agenda – and so I couldn’t see any better options.

Yet, the best option was right in front of me all along: Stop trying to make people like you. You’re stuck between a rock and hard place because you’re coming from the starting point of neediness. Neediness is a turn-off for anyone who is psychologically healthy. Your biggest issue is that you’re unwilling to let girls dislike you. You think of yourself as Nice, but your niceness is just a performance to make girls like you.

You’ve probably never really tried to be authentic with women you’re attracted to. Being genuine is truly attractive – to the right girls for you. Some will love you for who you are, others won’t. But for you to find this out, you’ll need to stop both niceness and meanness – both of these are forced, strategic manipulations that hide who you truly are. The difficult part is learning how to stop trying to make people like you.


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