Your phone vibrates, its a message from ‘hedgemanager37’. You feel a thrum of excitement followed by the eye rolling moment when you realise the Mr. Dreamy Tanned and Loaded is in fact Mr. Seedy, Lecherous and False Bravado.
‘Hey baby, how are you getting on the site? You must get a lot of attention with a face like that’. Cringe. As we all know, first impressions are everything. It can all go wrong for you before you’ve even begun messaging women online. And here’s how.
1. Act overfamiliar
I’m not your baby, princess or doll. I don’t need you telling me I should wear less makeup (yes, this has actually happened to me). A simple ‘Hello’ is honestly fine. Don’t overthink it, just say hello!
2. Brag about your success
For some reason people seem to think it’s cool to brag about how well they’re doing romantically and how many hook up’s they’ve had from the site. They’ll tell you how many people they’ve been out with, slept with, even how much each individual date cost. Didn’t you ever hear it’s not nice to kiss and tell?
3. Type lazy abbreviations
When I say ‘Hey, what are you up to tonight?’ I sort of expect more than a ‘nm….u?’. It shows you’re not interested or that you’re just lazy or an idiot. Neither of which is something which is desirable in a potential partner. Make the effort, come on.
4. Use excessive emoji’s
I will consent, the odd winking or laughing emoji is cute and can be used effectively at the opportune moment but when 90% of your messages contain a ‘lol’ and 10 of those laugh-crying faces, it’s just irritating.
5. Generic chit chat
‘Hey babes, how are you? Any plans this weekend?’ This just seems like you could (and probably have) copied and pasted that to 20 other women to see who’ll take the bait. Don’t do it. Try personalising it a little. If you know she has a dog, ask if she’s taking Fido out for a walk this weekend. Just something, a little effort.
6. Bombard with multiple messages
Either I’m busy or I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Please don’t message me 10 times in an hour then get the hump when I don’t respond to you. It’s not cute at all.
7. Use cheesy lines
‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’ No, not as half as bad as it hurt when I face-palmed reading that message.
8. Send nude photos
You’re talking to someone online, it’s going great until…they suggest exchanging nude photos. Why do people do this?! Even if you like someone, shouldn’t the moment you finally see each other’s bits be in person when you can actually do something about it? Sometimes leaving something to the imagination or the first date is the best way. Keep in mind it’s a dating website, not a food ordering site. You can’t just demand nude pics and they will appear. It can be very off putting and put a stop to the conversation faster than you can type a winky emoji.
9. Show off
I once witnessed a guy totally putting a girl down and shutting down any chance he had with her over Game of Thrones. She was going on about bits she had enjoyed from the show when in the most pretentious voice he pointed out the factual inaccuracies between the show and the book. Okay, I get it, you can read. I still like the show. Chill out.
10. Put her down
It doesn’t make you any more endearing to me when you tell me how last year my jeans are, how no one likes One Direction anymore, everyone has watched Stranger Things already – how can I not have seen it? Am I living under a rock or something? Well yes, I am, and I’m about to lift that rock and hit you with it!