Uh oh, it has happened again. Maybe you didn’t see the heartache coming, or maybe you did, and hoped and prayed that you were reading it wrong. We are all familiar with the emotional wounds that result from a love relationship that doesn’t make it. As human beings we all want to find love and be loved. During the recovery period it’s hard to imagine ever putting yourself through it again. However, you will, we all do. It’s time to do some triage on your broken heart and psyche.
When we are not experiencing the balance of this give and take, or we are in a healing process from a disappointment in love; we need to take the time to go deep and detangle the emotions that trap our hearts and minds. After a relationship ends, we find ourselves taking an inventory of ‘what went wrong’. That inventory includes your actions as well as the other party’s. If you participate in the action… you must also participate in the outcome. Be clear in setting your intention from the soul, not the personality. As a woman who has spent a lifetime of being in love with love, I have found strength and many useful lessons from the “failures” and in the painful space that follows. The first most valuable lesson is that there are no failures.
The ability to receive love is often overlooked, since we all are primarily focused on first finding the love that fills our own heart by giving love to others. We also need and want validation from feeling our love is being fully received by others.
Embrace the good and the bad
Life is about finding meaning. It is important to embrace the belief that regret is best banished from the mindset of love and relationships in all forms. Everything we go through, good and bad, should be viewed as lessons. These lessons strengthen us to love again and to love better, smarter and more deeply. Along the way we find our best most genuine and authentic selves. We also find love. Love for ourselves, love for others and the satisfaction of living our best life.
Discover self love
Have you nurtured yourself, singularly enough? Is your heart’s tank full of love for that person staring back at you in the mirror? Do you treasure your free time or do you just feel lonely? Are you trying to fill your free time with activity? Do you feel that life is passing you by?
When a relationship is not going well, or when we feel that we are nothing without a significant other in our love life, we often feel depressed. Many of us will punish ourselves with our internal dialogue. I believe that depression is really rage turned inwards. We hear the term ‘self love’ a lot these days. At times, this concept becomes confused with self care. The self love I refer to is a deep love for yourself that you may discover only when you have hit ‘rock bottom’, are hurting badly and must embrace yourself as you are making your way back from despair.
We owe ourselves the same love that we have so freely offered to others. Let go of the anger. Along with this discovery of core strength and love of self, you will develop a no fear approach to life and love. Don’t waste time beating yourself up. Understand that best learning comes from painful or difficult experience.
Remove fear from the equation
When we have moved beyond hurt, regret, anger and grief for a lost love and our emotional balance is reestablished, we feel stronger and can find forgiveness. Once you understand fully that forgiveness equals peace; you will be at peace. When you have found that peace and incorporate it into your newfound strength of heart survival, you must stay focused on letting go of the fear that have gotten in the way of past relationships. It will then pave the way to propel your thoughts forward and begin thinking of what it is that you truly seek.
Being fearless doesn’t mean you become carefree and careless. Fearlessness means you can now approach and embrace potential relationships without the personal baggage that you carried in the past. You have become stronger and wiser, and regardless of the outcome, you have your beautiful self, always.
I often say that I believe all negative emotion is rooted in fear. When you adopt this thinking, you will possess an aura of positivity. Use this positive mindset as a shield against negativity. Most importantly, remember that all reactions that you receive from others that are based on judgement or negativity are rooted in their fears, it’s not about you at all.
Be confident and genuine
When we are ready for the next chapter or next relationship, these tools will serve us well. Our ability to express ourselves openly with a newly found or renewed confidence is undeniable. We will no longer have that feeling of being lost in a sea of unknowns.
The search for love ceases to be based on some kind of gamble or luck scenario. Instead the search is suddenly an exciting endeavour and is nothing to be feared. Being truly present, authentic and genuine in all of your encounters removes any nervousness you may feel and results in good clear communication and representing yourself honestly and beautifully. Uncomfortable spaces are really creative spaces if approached with confidence and self value.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Each of us is a truly unique individual that will have completely singular experiences. When we compare ourselves and our experience to others’, we disavow the uniqueness of ourselves. When you are in a group mentality, you lose your individuality. Conversations that categorise and stereotype in the moment may ease a temporary hurt or make for fun chatter with your friends.
However, I think we can acknowledge that what happens between two individual people, is really only understood by those two participants. Keep sight of this fact. Cease to compare notes with your friends that attempt to pigeonhole or stereotype your relationship. It’s your’s to honour and explore. Don’t allow anyone to steal your joy!
Live in the present
For century upon century, girls have been raised on the fairytale beliefs of true love, white horse rescues, princes and the like. It’s part of the culture that goes so far back, it’s origins are impossible to pinpoint. In today’s culture that embraces freedom of individuality and the enjoyment of sex, these fairytales no longer fit. However, we naturally love them and still carry them and continue to share them with our children. It’s just what we do. This is a culture clash of two very different worlds — then and now. It’s a dangerous mix.
If we continue to rely on deep held belief of myth, we will continue to be confused. Mixed messages based on morality, fantasy and childhood only complicate our ability to think and act as individuals. When we take a look at our childhood years and the messages we received, we can discover where our patterns developed and how we have carried them forward into our most intimate relationships. In my case, I developed trust issues that impacted my most important relationships with men. I also failed to account for and properly assess my value, and had to face the fact that I had given my love so freely and unconditionally, that I had completely set myself up for the hurt that was to come.
However, I now also completely accept that the road I travelled was the same road that led to my growth. The practice of true self love will help you heal your broken heart and increase your confidence, making you irresistible and ready to love with an entirely new awareness.