Why You Are Not Having Sex and It’s Still Okay

not having sex

Sex, like a fine wine, usually gets better with age, but that doesn’t mean expiration rules don’t apply. Most adults usually experience reoccurring sex draughts in life whether in a relationship or not which can be frustrating. Rather than focus on the negative reasons why you are not having sex, there are plenty of positive perspectives when it comes to remaining abstinent.

Lower sex drive

Some would say that men tend to have a higher sex drive than women, but that’s not always the case. Some women are ravenous all the time, and most of us (myself included) usually have a higher sexual drive during certain times of the month or our lives in general. Most women that I’ve spoken with have told me that they’d be happy having sex 1-2 times per week and could take it or leave it any other time. This feeling doesn’t occur because they dislike physical intimacy or from having too much sex and becoming turned off to the whole ordeal. Once or twice a week of sexual intercourse merely satisfies their personal preferences, so that’s what they adhere to.

With all the pressure to have sex (and lots of it) coming from the media, advertisements, friends, and even well-meaning romantic partners at times it’s easy to believe that having a low sex drive requires a cure, but it doesn’t. The trick is to realise how much or how little sex you prefer to have and not feel guilty or embarrassed when others challenge that number. No matter what age or gender you happen to be the message regarding sex remains the same, don’t have sex unless you actually want to.

Shortage of worthwhile sex partners

As a single adult, you may feel pressure to have numerous sexual partners, especially from peers that have been booed up for quite a while. As a married woman I sometimes fantasise about how risque my sexual liaisons would be if I were single, the scandalous number of men (maybe even women) I’d have between my sheets, but the truth is most single people have the same amount of sex as those in relationships. Just like couples prefer to sleep with those they feel connected to, a good number of single people have the same preference. Random hookups or friends with sexual benefits don’t interest them given the possible complications that could come from those sort of arrangements.

Another factor I hear from both men and women would be that the pickings are slim in the dating pool even in regards to casual sexual encounters. Women often tell me that the men today are extremely jaded, self-absorbed, and put minimal effort into having the tiniest bit of emotional connection with them that would entice them to have sex. On the other hand, I’ve heard many of times from men that the pool of women willing to have sex without many requirements prevents them from getting serious with just one woman long term. I’m sure the truth lies somewhere between those two tales and maybe that’s where you’ve found yourself, so you’ve decided not to have sex for the time being. You’re not alone.

Sexuality and body confidence Issues

Sexual preferences play a huge role in whether or not one engages in sexual activity. Those that are struggling with their sexuality usually abstain from sex altogether until they’ve figured out their interests, and then there’s the fear they’ll be rejected by those they approach to consider as well. In relation to having confidence issues with one’s sexuality, body confidence can also be an uphill battle we all fight on a regular basis, man or woman. Plenty of times I’ve found myself denying myself the pleasure of intimacy because I wasn’t secure with my physical self at the time. I told myself I’d indulge in sex after losing thirty pounds so I could look like a movie star naked and bang with the lights on for a change but I’ve gotten over that ridiculous notion with age thankfully. If you’re currently struggling with these issues, there are two things I want you to do.

Firstly, understand that you’re not alone in dealing with either of those issues and take security in knowing that as both tend to make you feel isolated and abnormal.

Secondly, expand your mind and social circles by joining positive online forums with others who feel the same way. The keyword being “positive” as the goal isn’t to link up with others with self-deprecating feelings that will drag your confidence even more, but with those that have shared similar pains but are working towards embracing said negatives and making healthy changes where necessary.

Although I’m heterosexual associating with those in the LGBTQIA community fighting to be recognised and accepted gives me the confidence to stand in my own truth. And as a plus size woman, following larger figured women on social media and seeing selfies of them wearing bikinis, crop tops, and lingerie has helped me to reshape my beauty perspective tenfold.

You actually practice abstinence

Another reason for not having sex may be that you practice abstinence. As mentioned earlier there is a lot of pressure to have sex, and you’ve chosen not to have sex for religious or any other reasons and I applaud you. You’ve elected not to engage in behavior that would disappoint you for whatever reason which means you have incredible willpower that you should celebrate.

This decision also means you’re self-aware which is a trait we all strive to achieve in life, so you’re ahead of the curve and hopefully respect other’s choices when it comes to sex as well. Go you, with your bad (good) self!

No damn good reason at all

Lastly, you may not be having sex for no damn good reason at all. Your lack of sex wasn’t a conscious choice you made, you don’t have a low sex drive, or have dating or inner issues that hold you back from intimacy. You are not having sex right now, and that’s okay! For whatever reason the stars aren’t aligning to guide droves of men or women to your bedroom and haven’t for a while, so you’re experienced a sexual drought that isn’t of much concern to you which is awesome as well.

Enjoy the free time you have to focus on yourself, the goals you have for your life, and save your energy for the right intimate partner that comes along. While you wait, why don’t you check out our sexuality column for sex-positive resources to add to build the sex-bomb arsenal that already resides within. Grrr!!!

Amanda is a professional adult novelties reviewer of the latest sex toys to hit the market who is dedicated to openly discussing the realities of sex & kink. She plans to continue in her career as a sex-positive blogger, vlogger, and advocate. You can follow her work by subscribing to her YouTube Channel and following her on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.


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