Many of us hold the belief that everything is achieved through hard work. However, that’s not always true. Sometimes the best way to achieving your desires is to take a step back, let go and leave space for the magic to unfold – especially when it comes to orgasms. Trying really hard to have an orgasm is probably one of the most counterproductive things that you can do. Setting the intention of an orgasmic experience, then letting go of the goal and bringing ease into it will be a lot more likely to be successful and so much more fun along the way.
Here are ten techniques that will help you to have a great orgasm.
1. Follow your pleasure
Pleasure is the origin of every orgasm. Oftentimes I hear my clients say things like “I don’t have time for pleasure”. There seems to be this common sense that pleasure is a highly time-consuming matter, a luxury we have to have the means to afford. But in reality, we can incorporate pleasure into everything we do!
I recommend bringing pleasure to every moment of your day. Ask yourself the following question: “What is the most pleasurable thing I can do at this very moment?” It might be a tiny shift that will make a huge difference.
Whatever you are doing, you can invite pleasure into it. Some of us are better at it than others, but everyone can expand their pleasure capacity, one gratifying moment at a time. Pleasure is a practice – the more you follow your pleasure, the more pleasure there is to follow!
2. Breathe into your lower belly
Breathing into your lower belly helps you to relax and stop thinking. Here is why: your jaw and pelvis are connected. You can not hold tension in one and relax the other. Don’t just believe me, test it right now: tense your pelvic muscles and breathe in and out of your nose. No problem, right? Now tense your pelvic muscles again and breathe in and out of your mouth. Not possible! When relaxing our jaw, our pelvis lets go and vice versa. A relaxed pelvis is essential when it comes to easing yourself into orgasms.
Another marvelous effect of breathing into your lower belly is that it gets you out of your head! In order to explain this, I will have to take you on a small tour of the world of neuroscience. It is suggested that our brain consists of three major regions: the cortex, which is responsible for analytical thinking, the limbic system, our emotional center, the area from which emotions are experienced and expressed and the reptilian brain, where we feel pleasure and it is the gateway to your orgasm. Most of us have an overactive cortex, which results in an inability to stop thinking and start feeling while we are having sex. In order for the region in our brain that is responsible for pleasure and orgasm to take over, the analyzing part of our brain needs to go “offline”. This is where pelvic breathing comes in. Breathing with no pause between inhalation and exhalation helps to decrease cortical control, thus bringing us out of our minds and into our bodies. So good.
To practice pelvic breathing you need to breathe in and out of your mouth, all the way to your pelvis, and back out, keeping your jaw relaxed. There is no pause between the inhalation and the exhalation. You can do this as a stand-alone practice when self-pleasuring and while having sex. You will be amazed by how powerful this simple breathing technique is!
3. Build body awareness
If you want to benefit from the magic that your body beholds, you have to feel what is going on in your body. Sadly, most of us live totally disconnected from our bodies, due to social conditioning, poor lifestyle choices, or trauma.
Here is a very simple exercise for training body awareness: lie down, close your eyes and scan your entire body. As you do this, speak any sensation that you feel in your body out loud. “I feel an expansion in my lower belly”. “I feel a tingling in my right toe”. “I feel tightness in my forehead”, “I feel a tickling in my right toe”. This exercise will help you reconnect you to your body that is needed to have an orgasm.
4. Let your energy flow
This ancient technique is highly effective when it comes to supercharging our sexual experience. There is a huge variety of exercises taught in the Tantric and Taoist traditions, some of them are easy to perform, some of them rather complex. However, in their essence, they are about moving sexual energy from the pelvis through the body. This does not only expand your orgasmic experience but is also profoundly healing. It is the path to whole-body orgasms. And to me, it is where sex becomes a limitless experience. This is how you do it: build up pleasure in your body. Focus on your pleasure and visualize it expanding. Now take that energy and spread it through your body! Try to move your pleasure upward and outward. Surrender to a free flow of energy. You will love it!
5. Counteract tension
We all hold patterns of tension in our bodies. We created those patterns because they served us at some point in our lives, but often we are carrying these patterns with us, even though they are entirely outdated and utterly unnecessary. Why? Because we are not aware of them. They have become normal for us.
The problem here is that this tension disconnects us from our bodies and prevents our sexual energy from flowing, which is highly unfavorable when it comes to your ability to orgasm – less tension equals more orgasms.
What I invite you to do is this: next time you self-pleasure (if you never or rarely self-pleasure, please stop reading this article and take care of yourself immediately!) take a moment, breathe and scan your entire body. Are you holding your pelvis in an unusual way? Are your pelvic floor muscles pushing downward? Are you tensing your solar plexus? Really check in with what is happening in your body. Be curious. And when you encounter an area where you hold tension, don’t be hard with yourself. Ever so gently and lovingly breathe and release. Let that pleasure move through you. And remember, this is a process that takes time. It took you a lifetime to create those patterns, so be patient and compassionate with yourself.
6. Connect to your senses
We tend to think that some people are sensual and some people are not. Well, let me tell you something, every single person on this planet is born a highly sensual creature. Look at babies! They indulge in everything that gets close to them! But then life happens and our parents tell us to “not touch everything”, other kids laugh at us because we want to smell funky stuff and we learn that it is inappropriate to stare at people. And somewhere along the way, we lose this grand sensuality that makes life so much more rich and enjoyable.
Awakening your senses will take your sexuality to the next level. I highly recommend making sensuality a daily practice. Revel in the magnificent design and taste of your favorite fruit. Consider eating an act of making love with food. Open yourself up to the beauty of this stunningly gorgeous planet! Feel the wind in your hair and the sun on your face with full presence. Choose your food according to its smell. Listen to your favorite music with every cell of your body. How does a hibiscus flower feel in your skin? Sensuality is all about curiosity and enjoyment. It’s about being fully present in the moment. And this moment, right here, right now, is where you want to be. And bear in mind, the more gentle and soft the stimulation, the more your senses will come to life.
7. Liberate your voice
Make a habit of liberating your voice. This is another very powerful tool to open that free flow of energy in your body and catapult you into being here and now.
Try it out right now: close your eyes, breathe into your lower belly, focus on the sensations in your lower body, and then as you exhale, express them through your voice. The more you do it, the easier it will be. You will be surprised by the sounds that come out of you and about how light and gratified you will feel afterward. And the next time you are in a sexual situation, do exactly the same thing.
8. Empower your subconscious
No matter how much you consciously desire those soul-shaking orgasms, you might have subconscious blocks that are preventing you from experiencing them. A very common subconscious belief that we have is some version of “sex is unsafe” or “sex is dirty”. If the part of your brain that is responsible for experiencing pleasure believes that sex is dangerous or shameful, your body is going to act accordingly.
What you can do in order to transform those subconscious beliefs, is to create new, empowering beliefs and repeat them to yourself out loud over and over again. For example: “Sex is beautiful and healing”, “I love sex”, “I am a sex goddess”. Play around with it, try a few and pick two or three that hit home when saying them out loud. Then find a way to integrate these into your daily routine. You can repeat them out loud to yourself every day as you are brushing your teeth, after your meditation, right before you go to bed, whatever works for you.
9. Get in touch with your emotions
I know, this sounds insane, but listen up: humans store old suppressed emotions in their bodies. Why? Because we don’t want to feel them. Why? Because we have been conditioned to believe that certain emotions are bad and not to be felt, let alone expressed. Interestingly, when experiencing a deep-seated sexual encounter with ourselves or a partner, our bodies can open up in a way that makes those emotions want to come up and be expressed. In those moments, what most of us will do is instantly push them down again, cause… not sexy, right?
So how do we hold those emotions down? We hold them down by tensing up our bodies so that those emotions won’t flow up to the surface. But you know what else won’t flow? Our sexual energy! That juicy, delightful pleasure that we want to spread throughout our whole body gets cut off. It’s so sad.
The way out of this tragedy is to liberate those emotions. Connect to them and find healthy ways to express them. Inside the bedroom and out of the bedroom. As a somatic bodyworker, I have helped people get in touch with those old emotions over and over again. What amazed me time and again is that when expressed and liberated, those old emotions transform into life force energy, and pleasure! In order to alchemize negative emotions into a full-body turn-on, simply focus on the physical sensation of that emotion, vocalize and embody the sensation.
If you are in a long-term relationship, let your partner know that you might have fear, sadness, anger or other emotions arise during sex. Be sure to let them know that this is an amazing opportunity for healing and creating intimacy between the two of you.
10. Practice meditation
Having more and better orgasms is not necessarily a benefit that we expect from meditation, but hear me out. Meditation is the practice of being present in the moment going into a no-mind state. And that, my dear, is exactly the state of mind that you want to be in in order to experience mind-blowing orgasms.
Also, meditation is proven to decrease cortisol levels in our bodies. When we experience stress, our cortisol levels increase. And a high amount of cortisol in our bodies can prevent us from having orgasms.
Make the intention to live an orgasmic life, moment to moment. As Osho said so wisely “Be, don’t try to become”. And no matter what you do, be extraordinarily kind and fiercely compassionate with yourself.