Sex 101 for Women: Lessons from a Sexpert


My job as a clinical sexologist and certified sex therapist gives me the opportunity to talk a lot about sex. It can be difficult for women to feel open and comfortable discussing sexuality. I spend most of my days empowering women to own their sexuality, figure out what turns them on, talk about it with partners, and busting myths about sex. You would be shocked at how many women don’t understand their bodies or their ability to speak up about their pleasure. Here is what you need to know about the basics straight from a sexpert.

Befriend your clitoris

Many women aren’t aware of where their clitoris is located and how large the structure is. Did you know that the clitoris is about four inches in size, but three-fourths of it isn’t visible? That means that you can only see about one-fourth of your clitoris. You feel arousal throughout the entire area of the vulva not just in one small spot. It has approximately 8,000 nerve endings, and the majority of women require this area to be stimulated to reach orgasm. Find it, friend it, visit it frequently, and be grateful you have it.

Figure out what feels pleasurable to you

How can you expect your partner to touch you in all the right places if you don’t know what you like? Take time to explore your body and learn what type of touch feels sensual and pleasurable. Don’t feel shame or embarrassment about your body. You are an incredible and beautiful being that deserves to feel good. Take time to explore different types of touch, pressure, and stimulation.

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Keep your orgasm expectations realistic

You may have unrealistic expectations of having an orgasm if you think it will happen each or most times you have sex. Each woman is different so be careful not to compare yourself to others. For example, if your friend tells you about her mind-blowing orgasm, don’t feel bad about yourself. There are many reasons why women don’t reach climax. Don’t be hard on yourself or beat yourself up if you don’t. If you continue to put pressure on yourself, you will continue to struggle. Explore what may be barriers to you reaching climax by journaling, talking with your partner, or working with a sex therapist.

Give him direction

Take a moment to think about how men learn about sex and how to satisfy women. They learn from watching porn, talking with other guys, and from their past sexual experiences. It’s safe to assume that the guy you’re with will not know how to touch you the way you want unless you tell him. Don’t be afraid to give your man direction on what feels pleasurable. He has no idea unless you tell him. Most guys welcome this instruction and want to see you experience pleasure. They appreciate the direction, and most are willing to do whatever you ask to give you sexual satisfaction. If your partner doesn’t, then this a red flag and you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Don’t blame yourself if he can’t have an erection

Women often think that if their man can’t get an erection or maintain it, then they are doing something wrong. Some women feel that their partner doesn’t find them attractive or that they can’t turn them on. Stop making it all about you. There are many reasons why a guy has trouble with this, and it is highly unlikely that it has anything to do with you. He could be tired, preoccupied, stressed, have an injury, suffering from a medication side effect, have a medical issue, or not be in the mood for sex. Don’t take it personally. Talk to him about what is happening and don’t judge. If you pressure him about this, it will make it more difficult for him. Be there for him as he resolves the issue or it resolves itself.

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Be understanding if your partner has difficulties

Words can be very hurtful, especially about sex. You wouldn’t want him to tell you to “hurry up” if you are having a difficult time reaching climax so don’t put pressure on him. Talk about the issue outside of the bedroom not just during sex. Be patient, understanding, and don’t take it personally. In the majority of cases, these problems have nothing to do with a female partner. Don’t make it about you.

Always use protection

Be sure to always use protection during sex and stop using excuses. I have worked with many women who wanted a guy they were having sex with to use a condom but didn’t speak up. Some women don’t use their voice to speak up for what they need. Other women don’t want to interrupt the moment and ask their partner to put on a condom. Your health isn’t up for debate. It’s not worth the risk of an STI, HIV, or an unwanted pregnancy. If you are having sex, use protection.

Don’t forget to have fun

Sex, whether it’s a new partner or an old one, can be anxiety provoking. Don’t put pressure on yourself or feel like you have to perform. Sex should be fun, relaxing, and give you the opportunity to connect with your partner. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. If you aren’t having fun, check in with your expectations and how you are using sex.

These are just a few lessons from a sexpert that you need to know. Be gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself as well as your partner. Make sure you are keeping realistic expectations about sex. If you apply these lessons you can continue to increase your awareness and enjoyment.

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What is your favourite lesson you learned about sex? Share them in the comment section below!

Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author. She specializes in relationships, sex therapy, and gender identities. Kristie helps people improve the relationship with themselves and others. When she isn’t working with clients, consulting, or writing she enjoys spending time outside. She loves surfing, running, yoga, traveling, and reading.


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