what to say to the other woman

If you are reading this article, I think I can guess how you feel. After you found out that your partner had been cheating on you with the other woman, you probably have a permanent knot in your stomach, and an ache in your heart. Your emotions keep on changing like the wind: angry, sad, hurt, shocked, confused. You can’t think, concentrate, eat, sleep or breathe properly. It seems like someone has body slammed into you, leaving you feeling broken. You want to know every tiny sordid detail. You want to demand answers to your endless panicked questions. You are rehearsing in your mind what to say to the other woman so she realises how much you’re hurting.

Of course, the circumstances leading up to you feeling like this can massively vary, from how you have found out, to whether it was out of the blue and you were blindsided by it. However, no matter what happened, we all have one thing in common: this empty feeling which just won’t go away, and the painful curiosity to speak to the other woman who took what was yours. Here are all the things you probably want to say to her and the reasons why you should not do it.

1. I don’t understand, tell me what happened

You’re clearly an intelligent woman. I was devastated when I found out about my partner’s infidelity. I had to imagine things a loyal girlfriend never wants to even consider, imagine what happened in my own home.

Your world has quite literally come crashing down around you, hence why you have that morbid fascination to find out every single detail about what happened. It’s human nature to want to know. But it will not help at all. Asking for details will make you feel truly awful.

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2. He is the one to blame

He is to blame for breaking my trust like this, this issue is with him, and instead of communicating his unhappiness and dealing with it together, he chose a temporary, meaningless, reckless, selfish, disrespectful release.

You’ll want to make sure she knows you’re not crazy, and that you’re aware it is him to blame, however, it won’t make any difference and won’t change anything.

3. The part you had to play

He is to blame, but you also had a part to play. Actively pursuing a taken person is a dangerous game. You literally ruin lives, wreck homes, turn worlds upside-down. What makes this situation worse, is that you actively went after him when you knew he was with me. I know it was exciting, new and different – he is very attractive. Believe me, that is the person I thought I was going to spend my life with, so I know. But you’ve actively partaken in destroying a really strong relationship, and caused so much unbelievable hurt in the process.

You want to tell her to feel horrendous for what she’s done. But she won’t.

4. Why you?

When I found out about you, I found out everything about you. I saw pictures of you, I learned your name, and where you are from. I had a face to match the name. A body to compare myself to. Undoubtedly, my imagination brought me to painful places. I couldn’t understand why he did it or how he was capable of doing it. You think you’re special cause he chose you over me? But he didn’t love you. You were merely a moment of weakness.

We compare ourselves, despite that being the last thing we should do. What did she had that I didn’t? Weren’t I enough? We torture ourselves comparing every tiny detail and all our insecurities are brought to the fore.

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5. Can you imagine how I feel right now?

I really hope you never have to experience the gut-wrenching heartache that I’m having to endure right now, because it is beyond anything words can describe. There is absolutely nothing like the feeling of knowing the man you love has had his hands on another woman. But not just any woman. A woman who wanted my life, wanted to get to know him like I do. Touch him like I did. Love him like I did.

Losing someone you love is bad, but being betrayed in the most heart-breaking, stomach-churning, cruelly cold way like this is something most of us never wish even on our worst enemies.

6. Women should support women

Women should be allowed to celebrate their bodies and use them exactly how they want to. We should embrace our sexuality, senses, pleasure. But what you did wasn’t a celebration of your sexual freedom. It wasn’t something to be proud of.

I strongly believe women should support other women. Us women have enough of things to contend with, let alone other women dragging us down, but don’t expect her to support you.

7. I didn’t deserve this

I didn’t deserve this, and I’m worth so much more than being with someone who can hurt so freely, without any empathy. It was an insult to me, my relationship and all the memories that we had. He thought the grass was greener, and as it turns out, it wasn’t.

You didn’t deserve this, and you do deserve so much more than they way you’ve been treated. But reiterating this to her won’t change what’s happened or make her feel any empathy.

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Why you shouldn’t confront the other woman

The main reason why you shouldn’t confront her is because as much as you want to blame her, no one put a gun to your partner’s head and made him fall into the arms of the other woman. He is a full functioning adult who made the active decision to go elsewhere. It’s the easy way out to blame the other woman imagining her as some kind of mysterious temptress. But in actuality, your partner was the one having his cake and eating it. He was the one in the relationship, putting everything at risk. She doesn’t owe you anything. Morally it is wrong, but she didn’t betray your trust – he did.

Despite it being possibly the hardest thing to do, you should rise above ‘having it all out’. You know you should take the high road. You know you should just leave it. But sometimes you just don’t care and think ‘What the hell, what else do I have to lose!?’. But, my darling, she will never understand your pain, so it’ll be pointless trying – you’ll just end up making yourself feel worse. The other woman doesn’t see you as a human being with flaws and feelings, just like her, simply because this is her coping mechanism that distances herself from the reality of his situation.

All in all, you deserve better than someone who can throw you away like a used tissue and disrespect you so stop thinking of what to say to the other woman, try to get over it an move on. It is not worth it settling for less than you deserve.

Eve is a London based dating and relationship blogger and hopeless romantic who writes regular features on her website Never Settle. She pushes the latest trends to the forefront of discussion, tackling controversial and taboo subjects head-on, based on a mixture of personal experience and extensive psychological and sociological research. Her mantra is that we only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to be happy. Don’t settle just because it feels comfortable or safe or that you’ll never find anyone else. 

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