getting back together

As a rule of thumb, ex-lovers should not be an option. When you started to move on going back to relive something that turned out to be a mistake may not be the best idea. At the end of the day, you must consider whether getting back together with your ex-lover is going to be a great idea or a waste of time, and from personal experiences, I have found it to be a waste of time.

However, like many rules there will always be exceptions and maybe your particular situation will be the one. Here are a few things you should consider before rekindling an old flame and getting back together.

Why them?

Firstly, you must ask yourself why you want to get back with this person. Knowing that you are fully committed to a new relationship with them is the first step you need to take. What is it about them that requires you to reconnect with them? Are they the parent of your child? Is it because you are truly and deeply in love with them? You must first admit to yourself why you want to rekindle that old flame and decide whether your reason is valid. Deciding to go back to them because you are lonely is a stupid idea and unfair for both you and your ex-partner.

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Why did it end in the first place?

What many people fail to consider is why their relationship broke down in the first place. The idea of getting back together with an ex is appealing because you remember how happy they made you, but the heartache you endured should not be overlooked. So ask yourself, what was the event(s) that spurred the breakdown of the relationship and are you are ready to move on from it?

Would it be different this time round?

The third thing to consider is what would make the relationship different this time. Why do you think it would work now if it clearly did not in the past? Deciding on a clear reason why you believe the relationship will work is important, as by doing so, you will realise whether it is truly possible to get back with them.

What do the closest people think?

It is true what they say – ‘love makes you blind’. To yourself, this may seem like a rational decision and you truly believe this can make you happy but your judgement is clouded by the potential happiness you believe you are sure to experience by going back to them. Confiding in your friends and family is always a great idea. They are the ones that truly care about you and can give their opinions on why they feel you should or should not get back with your ex. Of course, you are not obliged to take their advice as this is fundamentally your decision to make, but always listen to their opinion and what they have to say.

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It may be useful to make a note of your answers to the first three steps and go over them with a close friend or family member. That way you both can discuss it together and they can understand why you have come to the decision that you have.

Will you be able to accept changes?

You must always be realistic and consider the possibility that things may have changed in their life that could greatly affect your relationship. They may have had other relationships since yourself that could have changed them as a person. They may now be vegetarian? They could now have a child from a relationship? They may have married and divorced since you two were together?
Always consider any new changes and ask yourself whether you will be able to accept these changes in your new relationship together.

Do they feel the same as you?

This step is vital, as it determines whether your new relationship will work out. You have to make sure that your ex-lover is committed to making this relationship work rather than using you as someone to hang out with when they are bored.

You could ask them how they personally feel about the aspect of you both getting back together and whether they have any concerns. If so, you both can discuss your concerns together and how you can overcome these to ensure that you both maintain a happy relationship. Whatever you choose to do, having the same mind-set is the key to making your new relationship work.

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Are any third party members involved?

Always consider any third party people that would be affected by your ex and you getting back together and the impact it may have on them. For example, if you have children, going back and forth between the same lover can be confusing for them, especially if they are also the parent of the child. It is not healthy for children to see their parents make the same mistakes over and over, especially when it comes to love, so always consider the interests of the third party.

Image: flickr

Jangira is an aspiring journalist with deep love for animals. Her background in Law has taught her to see the logic and reasoning in situations where others may not. After graduating with her Masters in International Journalism, she hopes to establish a career in creative writing and investigative journalism.

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