My ideal man is someone who is strong, ambitious, emotionally as well as financially stable, caring guy who treats me as a woman and allows me to be vulnerable and cry in his arms when I need it. However, it became a pattern that I attract feminine men that are nothing but the opposite of my desired type: weak, clinging to me for emotional support, with various psychological issues and don’t have their lives sorted. I start mothering them and eventually crush them with my strong personality. How do I break this vicious cycle and find myself a manly man?
Steph, 26
Answered by:
Clinical Sexologist & Psychotherapist


Great job on identifying the type of man you are looking for. There is a difference in attracting the ideal man versus getting into a relationship with him. You probably attract many men but don’t need to form a relationship with the type of men you don’t want long term. If you are not attracting the type of man you want to date and find yourself in a mothering role, you may be looking for someone to fix. It feels good to be needed. It can feed your confidence and self-esteem to be able to help another person. I want you to feel wanted and desired, not needed.

A lasting relationship is made up of two healthy individuals who are able to support one another equally more days than not. Since it takes time to truly get to know another person and determine how healthy they are, slow down the transition from dating to relationship. Take time to date different people and don’t move quickly into a relationship. Dating is a process of eliminations; keep marking off the ones that aren’t meeting you where you are.

Identify what boundaries you want to establish for yourself when it comes to dating. What will you accept and not accept? What are your deal breakers? Your vicious cycle is allowed to continue because you are getting a need fulfilled. Figure out what that is and fix it. When it comes to dating and relationships you deserve an equal partnership. I want to challenge you to put all of your energy into making these needed changes in your behavior. Take time for self-improvements even if you take a break from dating, it will be better than getting into unhealthy relationship that will ultimately end. Your strength is that you are open to looking at your issues and motivated to change your behavior. You change which causes your circumstances to change, this is how you will break the cycle. I know you can do this.

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