Sometimes I’m not entirely sure which I prefer – being single or being in a relationship. I go through stages; I’m either single, to the point where even the mention of the word ‘relationship’ makes me want to throw up on myself, or I’m the other extreme. I’m in a relationship or seeing someone, or I’m casually dating, or I’m whatsapping some dude I met at a cocktail bar from last weekend who may or may not be hot.
There has been a time when I’ve been single and completely happy about it, but missing the prime positive of being in a relationship. Let’s not beat around the bush – and don’t take that as a rude innuendo. We all crave and dream about that positive of being in a relationship and (apparently) think about it 95% of the time. That thing is sex.
Who doesn’t enjoy sex? The only people who don’t are those that have never experienced good sex or complete mentalists. Sex is a wonderful, magical thing! It’s definitely in my top five list of favorite things, alongside burritos, winged eyeliner, Louis Theroux, and blue whales.
But I am reluctant to have sex when I’m single, mostly because I don’t feel all that comfortable sleeping with someone I don’t know that well. So, what is the answer? The answer is a sex buddy.
And what is the definition of a sex buddy, you ask? A sex buddy is someone you know. It doesn’t have to be a super close friend, but it is someone with who you feel comfortable. You feel at ease with them and can navigate well in a conversation without awkward pauses. It is also someone to who you are sexually attracted – not enough that you want to have their babies or propose they move into your one-bedroomed flat, but there’s definite chemistry. You think they’re hot, and you get on pretty well. Having sex with them is fun, familiar, and doesn’t make you feel embarrassed when you do the walk of shame the next morning. It can be as simple as that.
But what are the pros and cons of having regular sex with a person who isn’t your partner? And, let’s face it, probably never will be.
Pros of having a sex buddy
1. Duh, the sex
Yes, the sex. The point in having a pal who you can sleep with is the sex. And what is more of a pro than having nice sexual relations with someone frequently?
2. The perks of a sex life while being single
I don’t trust people who can’t handle being single. Jumping from one relationship to the next without experiencing the wonderful singleton life?! Bye, weirdo.
Being single can be fabulous. It’s the time in your life when you can explore your independence, and your own needs and be utterly selfish. I once spent one entire year completely, not even texting anyone single, and it was one of the best years of my life. The only thing I didn’t enjoy was the lack of consistent sex with a regular partner.
But no fear! In swoops the sex buddy to save the day!
Can you satisfy your sexual needs with a person you are comfortable with and find attractive but still live a single lifestyle?!
What a time to be alive.
3. The convenience of it all
Scenario 1: It’s 3:30 am, and the nightclub is starting to quieten. You can already feel that dreaded feeling that you haven’t pulled. No sex for you. It’s going to be a lonely pizza slice sort of night.
Scenario 2: It’s a Friday night. You’re bored. Even worse, you’ve got the horn. There isn’t any solution to this unless you fancy getting out of your cozy bed and going out on the pull. Urgh. No thanks.
There could be so many more scenarios but let’s stop at two. When you want sex and you’re single, getting it can sometimes be pretty hard work. Having a sex buddy is an instant solution. You know they’re a text message away if you need them, and even if they’re busy tonight, they’ll probably be free at some other time. You’re both fully aware of what you’re in for, so you don’t even have to charm them. A simple text message of ‘you up?’ is enough to let them know what you’re game for.
4. Being more sexually adventurous
Who would you rather accidentally fart in front of during your first sexual encounter? The love of your life or your sex buddy? Unless you’re completely insane, I assume we will all go with the latter.*
As crude as this example is, I’m trying to make the point that in the first few encounters with your sex buddy, you probably won’t care a whole lot what they think about you. You’re both in this for the same thing, so there are no boundaries, and it could give you a sense of freedom that you may not get at the beginning of a potentially serious relationship.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you suppress your true desires back from any serious partner you may have, but there could be certain things that you feel you have to hold back until you know them better. However, a sex buddy and you have a mutual agreement where sex is the main component, meaning that you can dive straight in and not care too much about any judgments they may or may not have.
*I wouldn’t suggest you fart in front of anyone in any first-time sexual encounters, FYI. Not the sexiest move you can pull out.
Cons of having a sex buddy
1. Catching the ‘feelings’
Oh dear… the awkward moment when you catch feelings for someone you really shouldn’t. It sometimes happens so slowly and subtly that you hardly notice it until one night, BAM. He’s mentioned some girl he thinks is cool, and you’re hulk smashing inside your jealous, loved-up brain.
Falling for someone who signed up for a casual relationship is not fun. It’s heartbreaking, confusing, and awful before you’ve even admitted your feelings to your partner in a sex crime.
I blame pillow talk. So girls and boys, if you want sex but no feelings, avoid pillow talk at all costs. That sort of stuff can cut you real deep if the guy is super intelligent and interesting, rather than someone who just gives good head and who you get on with an “okayish” amount.
2. The looming expiration date
“These things have an expiration date, kid,” he said, “six months or until someone stops having fun.” Watching a rerun of Girls on HBO, I thought that Adam Sackler has a point. An expiration date for a sex buddy relationship is inevitable. Either you get together, or you don’t. If you don’t become an official couple, it’s a pretty sure thing that eventually, one of you will become sick of the relationship, and then where does that leave the other person? You could accept the fact or feel super angry/sad/disappointed. When the expiration date of a sex buddy relationship starts to creep up on you, it can be like a breakup. There might not be tears, an angry goodbye, or slamming doors, but there could be mixed emotions about the loss of someone who did mean something throughout it all.
I can’t promise that a sex buddy relationship won’t end in tears, even though we would like to kid ourselves, it never will. For one person, there is always going to be the inevitable outcome of it ending badly.
3. The potential loss of a friendship
If you’re going to get into a sexual relationship with a friend, I would only recommend that you do it with someone you don’t value too much. The odds of you guys staying as good friends after the relationship has ended are pretty slim. Only in American TV shows do these kinds of friendships last the distance. So if you want to keep this particular person in your life for a long time, not having sex with them would be a great start.
4. Meeting someone else could be awkward
It’s a bit of a tricky dilemma. You’re sleeping with your sex buddy, but you may have also met the potential love of your life. How do you handle this one? Do you continue sleeping with your sex buddy until you and the LOYL are official? Do you tell the LOYL about the sex buddy? Or do you let him think you’re saving yourself when you were in someone else’s bed last week?
Then there comes the awkward decision – do you break up with the sex buddy? Even though technically, you weren’t even together?
The situation can lead to many awkward questions and even more awkward conversations. Who said having a sex friendship was easy? Someone who has never had one.