Sometimes I’m not entirely sure which I prefer – being single or being in a relationship. I go through stages; I’m either really, really single, to the point where even the mention of the word ‘relationship’ makes me want to throw up on myself, or I’m the other extreme. I’m in a relationship or I’m seeing someone or I’m casually dating or I’m whatsapping some dude I met at a cocktail bar from last weekend who may or may not be hot.
There has been a time where I’ve been single, and completely happy about it, but missing the prime positive of being in a relationship. Let’s not beat around the bush – and don’t take that as a rude innuendo. That positive of being in a relationship is the thing we all crave and dream about and (apparently) think about 95% of the time. That thing is sex.
Who doesn’t enjoy sex? The only people who don’t are those that have never experienced good sex or complete mentalists. Sex is a wonderful, magical thing! It’s definitely in my top five list of favourite things, alongside burritos, winged eyeliner, Louis Theroux and blue whales.
But I am reluctant to have sex when I’m single, mostly because I don’t feel all that comfortable sleeping with someone I don’t know that well. So, what is the answer? The answer is a sex buddy.
And what is the definition of a sex buddy, you ask? A sex buddy is someone you know. It doesn’t have to be a super close friend, but it is someone who you feel comfortable with. You feel at ease with them and you can navigate yourself well in a conversation without any awkward pauses. It is also someone who you are sexually attracted too – not enough that you want to have their babies or propose they move into your one bed roomed flat, but there’s definite chemistry. You think they’re hot and you get on pretty well. Having sex with them is fun and it’s familiar and it doesn’t make you feel embarrassed when you do the walk of shame the next morning. It can be as simple as that.
But really, what are the pros and cons of having regular sex with a person who isn’t your partner? And, let’s face it, probably never will be?
Pros of having a sex buddy
1. Duh, the sex
Yes, the sex. The point in having a pal who you can sleep with is the sex. And what is more of a pro than having nice sexual relations with someone on a frequent basic?
2. The perks of a sex life while being single
I don’t trust people who can’t handle being single. Jumping from one relationship to the next without experiencing the wonderful singleton life?! Bye, weirdo.
Being single can be fabulous. It’s the time in your life where you can explore your own independence, your own needs and be utterly selfish. I once spent one entire year completely, not-even-texting-anyone single and it was one of the best years of my life. The only thing I didn’t enjoy was the lack of consistent sex with a regular partner.
But no fear! In swoops the sex buddy to save the day!
Being able to satisfy your sexual needs with a person you are comfortable with and find attractive but still live the single lifestyle?!
What a time to be alive.
3. The convenience of it all
Scenario 1: It’s 3:30am and the nightclub is starting to quieten down. You can feel that dreaded feeling already; that feeling that you haven’t pulled. No sex for you. It’s going to be a lonely pizza slice sort of night.
Scenario 2: It’s a Friday night. You’re bored. Even worse, you’ve got the horn. There isn’t really any solution to this unless you fancy getting out of your cosy bed and actually going out on the pull. Urgh. No thanks.
There could be so many more scenarios but let’s stop at two. The point is, when you want sex and you’re single, it can sometimes be pretty hard work to get it. Having a sex buddy is an instant solution. You know they’re a text message away if you need them and even if they’re busy tonight, they’ll probably be free at some other time. You’re both fully aware of what you’re in for, so you don’t even have to charm them. A simple text message of ‘you up?’ is enough to let them know what you’re game for.
4. Being more sexually adventurous
Who would you rather accidentally fart in front of during your first sexual encounter? The love of your life or your sex buddy? Unless you’re completely insane, I’m going to assume that we are all going to go with the latter.*
As crude as this example is, I’m trying to make the point that in the first few encounters with your sex buddy, you probably won’t care a whole lot what they think about you. You’re both in this for the same thing so there are no boundaries and it could give you a sense of freedom which you may not get at the beginning of a potentially serious relationship.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you suppress your true desires back from any serious partner you may have, but there could be certain things that you feel you have to hold back until you know them better. However, a sex buddy and you have a mutual agreement where sex is the main component, meaning that you can dive straight in and not care too much about any judgments they may or may not have.
*I wouldn’t suggest you do fart in front of anyone in any first-time sexual encounters FYI. Not the sexiest move you can pull out.
Cons of having a sex buddy
1. Catching the ‘feelings’
Oh dear… the awkward moment when you catch feelings for someone you really shouldn’t. It sometimes happens so slowly and subtly that you hardly notice it until one night, BAM. He’s mentioned some girl he thinks is kinda cool and you’re hulk smashing inside your own jealous, loved up brain.
Falling for someone who signed up for a casual relationship is not fun. It’s heart-breaking and confusing and awful and that’s before you’ve even admitted your feelings to your partner in sex crime.
Personally, I blame pillow talk. So girls and boys, if you want sex but no feelings, avoid pillow talk at all costs. That sort of stuff can cut you real deep if the guy is actually super intelligent and interesting, rather than someone who just gives good head and who you get on with an “okayish” amount.
2. The looming expiration date
“These things have an expiration date, kid” he said “six months or until someone stops having fun.” Watching a rerun of Girls on HBO, I thought that Adam Sackler has a point. An expiration date for a sex buddy relationship is inevitable. Either you get together, or you don’t. If you don’t become an official couple, it’s a pretty sure thing that eventually one of you will become sick of the relationship and then where does that leave the other person? You could be totally accepting of the fact or you could feel super angry/sad/disappointed. When the expiration date of a sex buddy relationship starts to creep up on you, it can be like a breakup. There might not be tears or an angry goodbye or slamming doors, but there could be mixed emotions about the loss of someone who did mean something throughout it all.
I can’t promise that a sex buddy relationship won’t end in tears, even though we would all like to kid ourselves that it never will. For one person, there is always going to be the inevitable outcome of it ending badly.
3. The potential loss of a friendship
If you’re going to get into a sex relationship with a friend, I would only recommend that you do it with someone you don’t value too much. The odds of you guys staying as good friends after the relationship has ended are pretty slim. It’s only in American TV shows that these kinds of friendships last the distance. So if you want to keep this particular person in your life for a long time, not having sex with them would be a great start.
4. Meeting someone else could be awkward
It’s a bit of a tricky dilemma. You’re sleeping with your sex buddy, but you may have also met the potential love of your life. How do you handle this one? Do you continue sleeping with your sex buddy until you and the LOYL are official? Do you tell the LOYL about the sex buddy? Or do you let him think you’re saving yourself, when really you were in someone else’s bed last week?
Then there comes the awkward decision – do you break up with the sex buddy? Even though technically, you weren’t even together?
The situations can lead to many awkward questions and even more awkward conversations. Whoever said having a sex friendship was easy? Clearly someone who has never had one.
Have you ever had a sex buddy and it’s been more of a pro than a con? Or do you just really disagree with everything I’ve said? Share your thoughts in the comments below!