hate online dating

Have I been to the wedding of a happy bride and groom who met online? Yes. Have I been personally responsible for advising said groom to get online because he wasn’t meeting the types of girls he wanted? Yep. Did I just literally bump into an old buddy last night who now has an amazing girlfriend whom he met online? Yes I did. Do I still hate online dating? Absolutely. Hear me out.

Why I hate online dating

As a man, I hate online dating. Why? Because it’s you versus every guy in your area that doesn’t have the balls to get rejected in real life, which is 99% of men. You see, the success of online dating is not surprising to me at all because I know men. I know their desires, their fears, and their sticking points. And the biggest sticking point of every guy is the fear of approaching. Even as a dating coach for over 5 years, I too still feel this fear as well. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. No one is safe.

Obviously, no one likes rejection. But it is inarguably a much easier pill to swallow when you are behind a dimly lit screen swiping right on faces you hope have personalities. Ironically, this is precisely why women hate online dating as well. Let’s go there.

Most women are just as frustrated with online dating as men, but for very different reasons. It comes back to the whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing.

Men are frustrated because of oversaturation. This leads to a lot of lack of responses, lack of dates, and lack of girls who value the man’s time because she’s already excited about meeting the next guy, Brad… no wait, Brandon. For men, this leads most interactions down the way of Ghost Avenue, Flakey Way, and Overall Disinterest Drive. Bummer for all you dudes out there fighting the good fight. But wait, here’s the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. You know… before The Village.

Women are also frustrated because of oversaturation. I can literally hear your confusion from here. Let me clarify. Sure it’s nice to have literally unlimited options in potential dates, however, the flip side to that coin is when woman starts to feel overwhelmed and can’t keep up. When you are an average looking girl or better, you feel like there are so many options that all the men just become one big haze of potential baby daddies. Science has shown that the more options we have for anything, the less satisfied we are with whatever choice we make, no matter how awesome he or she may be.

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“Wait, what were we chatting about before?”

“Hold on, oh yeah, this is the soccer player guy from somewhere far away.”

“Oh shoot, I liked this guy but totally forgot to reply last week. No, wrong guy. Oh wait, yeah that’s him.”

This is the internal dialogue of the average female using only one online dating site. How do I know? I have a lot of female friends and I do one thing very well that most men do not — I listen. To be honest, it’s weird. I have a lot of attractive female friends who have no problem meeting men when we are out and yet, when they talk about their online dating experiences, it usually rabbit holes way down to how ultimately dissatisfying it is to meet stranger after stranger hoping that she, A. Won’t get kidnapped and B. Will get kissed by prince charming.  For better and for worse, they usually get neither one.

Women have it hard too, fellas, just in a different way. “But wait,” I hear you say, “If you and all your female friends hate online dating, why bother? Why do you still love it?” Great question.

Why I love online dating

I love online dating because it offers me the potential to meet a girl I would have never met before because she lives 10 miles away. I love online dating because it gives me more options in general. If even one girl goes on a date with me, that’s one more date than I would have gone on before. All of this offers me an opportunity to practice and hone my dating skills, which makes me a better dater, man, and coach.  And all because I swiped a few hundred times and connected with a stranger on my pocket internet machine.

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But you wanna know the biggest reason why I love online dating? It is mindset.

That’s right, I said mindset. Because of online dating, I am able to see the hundreds… no thousands of girls looking for Mr.Right. And even if not a single one of them think I am that guy online, I at least know that there is an infinite amount of single women waiting for a guy like me but just don’t know it yet.

What does all this mean? It means that because I see how many women are single and actively looking, I am encouraged to approach and meet women everywhere. You see, men feel approach anxiety because of a lot of different reasons and one of the biggest ones is that he feels like women probably doesn’t want to be bothered. “She’s probably busy,” he says to himself. “She probably has a boyfriend,” he thinks to himself. But with the insane number of single girls online, it’s easy to get this mindset to flip — to get into an abundance mindset.

Men, think about it. If you went online and found only 2 women in your area that were single and actively looking, you would think that the dating world is scarce. You would go into scarcity mindset and this would destroy your chances of not only overcoming your fear of talking to women but especially your chances of dating her. Why? Because women are repulsed by men who live in this mindset. This is the guy that seeks her approval all the time by being constantly agreeable and ultimately ingenuine. This is the guy that is needy and gets weird at the slightest sign of disinterest, even if it’s not. He reads too much into everything and takes everything very seriously because, to him, it is. If reality is perception, his reality is doomed.

Now for the real reality — the way it actually is out there. If you download an app or log onto any online dating site, your reality will shift. You will see all this potential out there just waiting for a great guy like you. You will see the abundance of women in the world looking for a guy like you. This will put you into the abundance mindset, which is where you need to be to attract women.

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Women are attracted to men who feel like they are in abundance. Men who are in abundance don’t take much seriously when talking to women and are fun to talk to. He’s easy going and carefree. He’s unstifled and completely himself, take it or leave it. He’s still a good guy, except now he’s a good guy with an edge. To summarize, he’s every girls’ Mr.Right.

Go up to any girl and tell her that you know what she wants and she will look at you dismissively. Then say “You just want a good guy with an edge.”  Watch her jaw drop and her doubt dissipate. If she’s honest, she will agree. Having this mindset is how you become that guy and the catch for this to work rests upon two things.

Firstly, you must not take rejection personally. Even if you’re getting no dates from online dating, it doesn’t mean you’re not attractive as a man. It just means you aren’t good at conveying your attractiveness online. Also, with every other guy on there, it’s even harder to stand out so good luck even if you are!

Secondly, you must approach women in real life. If you can into this abundance mindset by noticing the thousands of quality women single and ready to mingle, you will feel less approach anxiety. In addition, you will feel more relaxed when chatting with women overall. Because you know there are plenty of single women out there, you won’t stress about one!  If you don’t connect, move on! Your potential wife is just around the corner waiting for you even if she just swiped left on you. And because not many men are approaching her, you will automatically stand out!

This is ultimately why I hate and love online dating. Because it’s an overfilled cup of infinite options that, with the right perception, can lead to Mr. or Mrs.Right.

Andrew is an author, dating coach, and speaker based in Orange County, California. He works with men to help them overcome their sticking points and achieve their personal goals in dating.

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