insecurities in a relationship

Experiencing insecurities in a relationship is a natural part of sharing your life with someone. The real problem arises when the nature and extent of these insecurities start affecting your relationship to an unnatural degree. To maintain a healthy and happy relationship with your partner, you must know what these “extreme” insecurities are and what you need to do to work through them. And by understanding each potential sign and finding better alternatives, you can save your relationship from turning sour as well as discover a path to an emotionally healthier side of yourself.

What causes insecurity in a relationship?

Insecurities originate from how you perceive yourself deep down. If your self-esteem is low and you don’t see yourself as being “good enough,” you will most likely bring that with you to a relationship. It is essential to understand where this comes from so you can prevent it from ruining your relationship.

Generally, your self worth is formed by your interactions with family or carers as you grow up. If you grew up in a controlling environment where you were criticized continuously and undervalued (or even emotionally abused), you are more likely to have a poor self-image. Your mind starts sending you the same signals and messages that you have heard from others throughout the years, to the point where you start believing them to be true. No wonder that you get insecure in a relationship when you always question whether you are truly worthy of being loved, cared for, or if you are beautiful enough.

Also, depending on how you were raised and your interactions with those closest to you, you develop individual attachment styles. If you felt secure growing up, as an adult, you generally do not rely on others to reassure you as.

Events you witness in life shape your belief patterns and coping mechanisms that help you avoid being hurt. If you experienced neglect, bullying, or humiliation, you are more likely to develop a sense of insecurity.

These factors influence how you will eventually perceive yourself, others, and the world around you.

9 signs insecurities are ruining your relationship

woman covering eyes

Feeling unsure of yourself can complicate many aspects of your life. It can affect your work, friendships, or romantic bonds and negatively impact your quality of life. Here are tell-tale signs that your insecurities are putting your relationship at risk.

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1. You always rely on your partner

There is nothing wrong with openly discussing your problems and insecurities and expose your vulnerable side to the person you are creating a lasting relationship with. However, what you expect in return from your partner makes a big difference. Do you rely on the other person to boost your morale for every little argument at work or every family dispute? Then you are no longer actively dealing with your problems. Asking for advice is one thing, but needing constant validation, praise, and moral support is an entirely different matter.

This behavior can lead to a dependence on an attachment figure, which leaves little room for a sense of self-growth. When one of the partners gets tired of being the moral support pillar, it can strain a relationship.

2. You can’t fully trust your partner

Trust is one of the key elements of a lasting relationship. No matter how you want to put it, no relationship can be wholly satisfying without trust, nor can it survive for long. Yes, there can be times when there is a reason to feel insecure and jealous. Still, when this becomes a habit, it is no longer healthy for your relationship. Feeling that you need to check on your partner regularly or that you can’t rely on him is a sign that your insecurities are getting the best of you. It is also a sure path to destroying intimacy. The person you are in a relationship with can eventually feel overwhelmed and tired of explaining themselves every time you show signs of mistrust.

3. You often argue over small things

When your insecurities are overwhelming, you might often find yourself getting into arguments over unimportant things. If you look deep enough, you might realize that the real reason for having this dissatisfaction is often related to your anxieties about the relationship rather than anything else. You might feel self-doubt or fear about your partner rejecting you and have difficulty expressing that. Getting into arguments or getting defensive or aggressive shows you feel insecure.

When your insecurities are overwhelming, you might often find yourself getting into arguments over unimportant things. Click To Tweet

4. You are dreading that your relationship will end

When you are always preoccupied with your partner leaving you, anxiety takes over and you start talking and behaving to prevent this from happening. It is a clear sign of high-level insecurity on your part. At the core of it, you are most likely struggling with low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, or an unhealthy attachment style. These are essential aspects that you need to address if you want to have any meaningful relationship, not only a romantic one. Continuing in this manner will destroy your relationship and prevent you from living a happy, fulfilling life.

Although it can be very hard, you shouldn’t perpetuate behaviors that only serve to prevent your imagined fear. Focusing on saying and doing only things your partner wants to hear is tiring and unhealthy. It is not how you build lasting relationships.

5. You compare yourself with his exes

You are not in any way different from other women when you express curiosity about your partner’s exes. However, obsessing over this matter and comparing yourself with other women is a toxic element in any relationship. When you compare yourself to others, you will inadvertently find a thing or two in which you are not as good as the other person.

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When this behavior becomes a habit, you let your inner critic take over and make you feel not good enough. It also sabotages your relationship as you bring up something that is meant to be left in the past. Remember, he is dating you now, not his ex from ten years ago.

6. You feel inferior to your partner

Cherishing your partner and considering yourself below average are two very different things. When you admire certain traits of your partner’s personality, it can be an encouragement for self-improvement. When you focus on your shortcomings and think you don’t deserve to be with him, you will project it on your reality. Not only will you crush your self-esteem, but you will eventually convince your partner that you are not good enough for him.

Cherishing your partner and considering yourself below average are two very different things. Click To Tweet

7. You constantly seek attention

Has your partner ever complained about you being needy and wanting to spend too much time with him? Or maybe you cling to him for emotional support for almost everything? It is not unusual to want to spend time together with your partner or ask for his attention. However, when you are dependent on him and can’t seem to manage yourself, these are likely signs of insecurity. Feeling like your partner’s presence is a must and that without his emotional support, you can’t handle things on your own should raise an alarm signal for you. A healthy relationship requires personal space and admitting this is the first step towards improvement.

8. You don’t believe you deserve to be loved

Extreme cases of insecurity can lead to a belief that you are not worthy of love. This belief is not healthy for you nor your relationship. Do you experience this often, and no amount of reassurance from your loved one seems to change your perspective? It might be a sign that it is more than just relationship insecurity, and you need to address it on a personal level. You can start by practicing daily positive affirmations in front of the mirror. Take a moment to compliment yourself for something and repeat a short mantra, “I deserve to be loved” every day.

9. You think your relationship is going nowhere

Many relationships reach a point when the question arises whether you and your partner are heading in the same direction. People evolve, and so do relationships, and sometimes goals change along the way. However, if you are worried about the future of your relationship, but you don’t seem to find an answer regardless of numerous reassurances, it might be worth reconsidering your approach. Openly talking to your partner and allowing room for flexibility usually helps to resolve these concerns. Sometimes you need to remind yourself that it is normal to want stability and a clear future vision.

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How to deal with insecurities in a relationship?

insecure woman

In reality, there is no such thing as “one rule applies to all” when trying to deal with your insecurities. People have found some methods to be more efficient than others, but it is still a work in progress for many. Fortunately, relationship insecurities can be resolved, and here are some of the most basic yet essential approaches to consider.

Seek the source of your insecurities

Whether you feel insecure due to your low self-esteem or a toxic relationship, you must take a closer look at what you fear to address the real problem. Once you have pinpointed the reason for your insecurities, you can work on dealing with it every time you start feeling anxious.

Learn to practice self-compassion

Getting control over your insecurities is not be a simple process. It will require continuous work on your part, and it will often feel like an endless effort. To make things easier, you should practice self-compassion, especially when you feel like your inner self-critic is taking over and dragging you down. At first, it will be tough to challenge it, but the more you practice being kind and patient with yourself, the easier it will be to deal with your insecurities in a relationship.

The more you practice being kind and patient with yourself, the easier it will be to deal with your insecurities in a relationship. Click To Tweet

Retain your independence

Feeling insecure can often be a consequence of depending too much on your significant other. It is crucial to maintain a sense of independence if you want to feel more confident in yourself and your abilities. You can lean on the people you love, but it is not a healthy habit to do so regularly. Facing your problems and being independent of others is key to strengthening your self-esteem.

Learn to trust yourself

When you start counting on others’ advice more than your own, you are inadvertently feeding your insecurities. And, as useful as it may be to remain open to what your loved one has to say, that should not be the defining element when you choose what to do with your life. You can start by setting small personal goals and making a commitment to yourself to achieve them.

Seek specialized help

Asking for help can be overwhelming and anxiety-provoking, especially if it involves specialized help from a therapist or a counselor. Sometimes you have to admit that you can’t handle everything on your own, and you need professional help. As challenging as it may seem, specialists’ help can give you a different perspective on your personal life and help save your relationship.

Coping with relationship insecurities will require that you deal with your fears and unhealthy habits and face suppressed feelings or memories from your past. Remember, you do not have to walk on this path alone, and you can ask for help whenever you feel overwhelmed.

Camilla is a marketer and a self-proclaimed gadget junkie. She works online and lives in her suburbia house with her three cats. Camilla has made plenty of relationship mistakes along the way. She wants to share these experiences to help other people gain insight into their problems and hopefully find a path to their solutions.

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