why he is not asking you out

You were out at a local wine bar in the neighborhood over the weekend and met this great guy. You hit it off right away. But, your conversation was cut short as you had to run off to a birthday party. Before you split ways, he asked for your phone number. The next day, he sent you a text asking you out to dinner.

As Thursday rolled around, you agreed to meet him at one of your favorite French restaurants. You both arrive right on time at 9 pm sharp. You each order a glass of Burgundy wine and begin delving into each other’s lives. You start to uncover every topic under the sun. From family to careers to even your most embarrassing childhood memories. Nothing is left unsaid.

While you and your mate are busy sharing stories, time slowly slips away. The waiter comes to your table to inform you the restaurant will be closing and brings you the bill. You both agree to grab one more wine next door before calling it a night.

It is Monday morning, and you still have not heard from him since your date. You are beyond baffled! You start to think it was not that great of a date and question everything, including yourself. Was it all the wine talking?

You give it a few more days, and still nothing. Not a text, a call, or even a Facebook request. He completely falls off the face of the earth. You are in utter shock with confusion. Why he is not asking you out on a second date? Here are 10 possible reasons.

1. He friend-zoned you

Unfortunately, he was not feeling it. The sexual chemistry between the two of you was not lit. He felt more of a friend vibe hanging out with you all night.

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There is not much you can do about being friend-zoned. Men will feel an innate sexual attraction towards a woman instantaneously. And, not every woman he meets will be his cup of tea. During your date, you can gauge whether or not he is into you based on his body language. He is into you if he is leaning in and keeping an open posture. If he crosses his arms and legs during the date, he keeps his distance.

2. He felt you were too needy

You come off insecure and desperate for his attention. You were doing everything in your power to make him want you the way you want him. The only problem is he felt you were emasculating him. He didn’t need to try and win you over because you handed yourself to him too soon.


By subtly engaging with him on your date, you can let him know you are into him. Men, like women, want to feel needed too. However, you will not want to make it blatantly obvious. You must focus on being confident rather than looking for him to rescue you. Making some self-worth discovery will keep you from appearing too needy on dates. When you value your self-worth, you can decide whether he is worthy of your time. When you believe in yourself, he will too.

3. He is not ready for anything serious

He still wants to play the field and is not ready to settle down. He wants to see what life has to offer. Men often like to date around and experience different types of women before choosing their one and only. Biologically, it is human nature.


You cannot convince him if he is not ready for a commitment. A man has to be ready on his terms to take dating seriously. When he is ready, he will be obvious in his actions and ask you out on a second date.

4. He already knows everything about you

You gave him too much information about you too soon. The intriguing component is gone, and he does not feel the need to ask you out on another date. He read every chapter of your book on the first date and is ready to read a new book. You lost your mysterious factor.


Hold back information about yourself on the first date. Give him enough material to captivate his imagination, but not your whole story. You will want to leave him mesmerized, so he will want to come back and inquire more.

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5. He is dealing with his insecurities

Believe it or not, men have insecurities. Sometimes they are only looking for an ego boost. Sadly, you may have just been his subject for the night to make him feel better. Unfortunately, he used the comfort of your presence to make himself feel better cause he could not love himself.


Read between the lines. Knowing when a man is being genuine versus when he is being downright charming to boost his ego will give you the power to spot a red flagger. This will save you from heartache time and time again. The easier you trust your gut on this one, the better off you will be. Let this kind of guy go and not hold onto the feeling of trying to win him.

6. He is still attached to a past love

After men experience a break-up, they often begin dating right away. They do this to avoid past pain and redeem their manhood. So while he may be actively dating, he may not be ready for an attachment. Keeping himself at a distance will ensure he is not getting too involved with anyone.


He is not ready to give you what you deserve. You will know if he is keeping his distance from you based on his body language and bringing up his ex in conversation. Also, he will likely stick to surface topics of conversation and focus on meeting his sexual needs.

7. He did not feel like you listened to him

You could not stop talking about yourself on the date. Everything from your favorite movie down to what size of shoe you wear. The minute he tried to talk, you would cut him off and start talking about a similar story in your life. You chewed him up, then spit him out as if his life is irrelevant. You were downright inconsiderate.


Try to listen more on your next date actively. Conversations are a two-way street, and both of you need to be able to learn about each other. If you are doing all the talking, how do you know if he is someone you want to see again? You often gain more in life from listening than you do from speaking.

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8. He thought you got tipsy

You might have had one too many drinks at dinner. In fact, by the end of the date, you were hanging all over him and a bit tipsy when trying to catch your cab home. You turned into a hot mess, and he had to babysit you.


Rule of thumb, two cocktails per date. This gives you a guideline to maintain respect throughout the evening by keeping your composure. Anything exceeding the limit can be a recipe for disaster. And you do not want to lose your grace or your second date.

9. He didn’t like money topic

Talking about finances or money in general on dates is a big turn-off. The man you are with will begin to question your character. He wants to make sure you are there for the right reasons and are not only looking for financial stability. No man wants to feel used for his status or be with a woman with shallow intentions.


Refrain from bringing up the topic of money on a date. This includes things that define wealth, such as luxury cars, jewelry, traveling to exotic locations, et al. If a man wants to spoil you, he will do this on his terms. He is less likely to desire a woman who expects it out of the gate.

10. He thought the date was too long

Going on a three-hour dinner date for the first date is pretty long. It leaves too much room for comfortability and not enough for mystery. If you want him to ask you out again, leave a little mystery, or you are bound to be history.


Keep the date to a two-hour maximum. If you are meeting for a drink, then only grab a drink or two. If you are meeting for dinner, then go home after dinner. More or less, you get the idea. It can be a disadvantage to stay longer than you need to. This keeps him from getting to know your entire life story on the first date. It also shows you value your time and have a life you must return to after the date. When a man knows you have a life outside of him, it increases your captivating power, and he will be sure to ask you back out.

Jillian and Jan are twin Relationship and Lifestyle Coaches who help singles attract love by uncovering the secrets of what the opposite sex desires. You can visit them at Entwined Lifestyle or Instagram for their latest word. And if they aren't at their desk, you can find them gallivanting outdoors or at a local bakery indulging on confections.

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