hero instinct

If there’s one thing that will help a man develop an emotional desire for you, it’s triggering his hero instinct. You might have heard dating coaches talking about it a lot, but how does hero instinct work? Can triggering it turn your relationship into a fairy tale with happily ever after?

What is the hero instinct?

If the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word ‘hero’ is Superman rushing to save someone, you are pretty close to defining what hero instinct is.

In simple terms, hero instinct is an innate biological drive in males to provide for and to protect females. Relationship expert James Bauer describes this concept in his book His Secret Obsession. He believes that hero instinct compels men to fall in love above all else.

Triggering hero instinct means tapping into man’s most primal inner desire, the primal drive that men are influenced by. Once activated, it is more powerful than any other biological drive (hunger, thirst, or sex). It creates a surge of desire beyond physical attraction. The man will find you more alluring and enticing than any other woman on his radar.

According to Bauer, a woman should allow a man to feel needed and appreciated until he falls for her and commits to a relationship. British dating coach Matthew Hussey calls this powerful tactic the hero effect.

While we all enjoy feeling valued, admired, and appreciated, hero instinct is unique to males. It is an urge to win, rescue, or become a champion that helps them feel more masculine and accomplished.

Hero instinct is a natural biological drive in males to provide for and to protect females. Click To Tweet

How does the hero instinct work?

To understand how hero instinct works, we first need to look into male and female biology differences.

The principal substance that transmits signals between neurons in the male brain is dopamine. It is a hormone of competition and risk-taking that made our ancestors go hunting mammoths. Dopamine has facilitative effects on sexual motivation and controls sexual function. The principal neurotransmitter in the female brain, on the other hand, is serotonin, the hormone of wellbeing and happiness.

When a man’s dopamine level gets low, he will instinctively try to raise it. It can be achieved by engaging in competitive sports, high-risk activities, or becoming someone’s personal hero. And that’s where a woman steps into the spotlight.

Every person should have a balance between masculine and feminine energy. However, a man has an innate instinctual response to being the hunter, provider, and protector. Being a woman’s personal conqueror makes a man feel himself in his natural role. Does it remind you of something? That’s right, hero instinct is often viewed as the purest essence of the alpha male.

While we women don’t necessarily need a man to come to our aide, if you allow a guy to step into his primal role, you’ll notice how much more drawn to you he will be. Not just in his words but in his actions.

Why do men want to be heroes?

Men are born with an innate drive of being heroes, and you can notice it from an early age. It is not a coincidence that little boys like dressing up in Superman and Batman costumes. As they grow, they meet this urge by playing video games. In the adult years, this instinct either get masked or fulfilled by driving fast cars, engaging in sports, and other highly competitive activities that allow men to win.

While there are many aspects to a person, I compare the hero instinct to a puzzle. There are three essential pieces to the proverbial hero puzzle that helps a man feel accomplished:

  • An instinctual requirement that his life both be purposeful and meaningful.
  • An inherent need to be the provider and protector of those closest to him.
  • A sincere desire to feel respected, admired, and appreciated for his efforts.

These pieces clip together to create the full-on hero effect.

While we all possess the first point on the list, the desire to live a meaningful life is essential for the provider and protector, which is the second point mentioned. The third point is genuine respect, admiration, and appreciation for his efforts. After all, it isn’t easy being a lionheart! That said, it’s just as important to offer sincere appreciation and gratitude when a man reveals his hero status to you. More on that later, though. First, let’s find out how to trigger this unique instinctual response in your guy so you can make your hero feel deeply connected with you right away.

Men are born with an innate drive of being heroes, and you can notice it from an early age. Click To Tweet

The benefits of triggering his hero instinct

Are you in a relationship with a guy and wondering how to make him feel like the winner he truly is? Even if you think you know a man pretty well, hero instinct is one thing you can use to your and your partner’s advantage, no matter how long the two of you have been together.

While your man needs to feel like you want him and will crave it when you help him feel needed, he also wants to feel respected. In other words, he has integrity. And, if there’s something he always wants, it’s you letting him know that you really admire and respect him.

When you trigger this subconscious instinct in a man, you’ll be shocked and amazed at what comes next. He’ll feel like he’s receiving confirmation that he meets all of your needs, so he’ll become even more affectionate, attentive, and nurturing than ever before. Additionally, many of my female clients have shared that when this secret instinct is triggered, the man becomes more interested in a committed relationship.

How to trigger the hero instinct in your man

your personal hero

Triggering the hero instinct should never be used as a game. Men can feel like winners in many different ways, including hunting, playing video games and sports, or even being the ones who prevail in a conversation at work. Still, one of the things they enjoy most is feeling like heroes in relationships.

While being a hero might not sound particularly exciting to you, it’s absolutely vital to a man. After all, men and women have different needs in relationships. It doesn’t mean that you should become a damsel in distress and frequently require assistance. Making your man feel needed and letting him get into his “winner role” is much different from becoming a needy woman.

So, how do we make sure your man will feel his hero instinct activated? Here are some essential tips that you can begin using right now!

1. Let him be the man he truly is

One way to allow him to step into his role as the champion is to let him be the man. Even those guys who are deeply in touch with their emotions are still men, so let him actually be the man in your relationship. No one wants to date a carbon copy of themselves. If he wants to open the door for you, let him get out of the car first and do it. It doesn’t mean you’re a weak woman; instead, look at it as him being polite.

While you both are well aware that you’re perfectly able and capable of doing most things in life for yourself, he enjoys being the man, and he has a need to do so. Holding your coat while you dress up, pulling out your chair, or maybe handing you the toast from across the dinner table are all ways that a man can be helpful to you. And, when he feels helpful, it will subtly trigger his hero instinct and emotional connection to you.

2. Go with the flow of his masculine energy

Enjoying the ebbs and flows between your energies can also trigger the hero instinct in your man. Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not saying to submit to a man or his demands. Step into the space of allowing. A man’s hero instinct is linked to him at the core. So, go with the flow of energy between you. You cannot control a man, nor would you want to, but what you can do is inspire him, so he desires you.

Allowing him to be himself doesn’t mean you want to nag him to share his emotions all the time. Men can share their feelings, but not the same way as women. Being present for them versus pressuring them makes men feel safe.

You cannot control a man, nor would you want to, but what you can do is inspire him. Click To Tweet

3. Ask for his help

We’ve all grown up hearing we women should be strong and not “need” to request assistance from anyone. Actually, asking for help isn’t a bad thing! Some relationship experts say that making a man feel needed and genuinely appreciated can help him fall in love with a woman. Any smart woman will be aware that as strong, independent, and powerful as she may be, asking for assistance is one thing that everyone does in life. Asking for help does not mean being helpless.

While you can reasonably handle day to day issues that crop up in life, it’s okay to ask the naturally pragmatic man to help with some of the things that come up. Men crave being thought of as the person – or I should say the hero – you think of to ask for help. Make sure to be genuine. Don’t break your dishwasher just so he can come over and waste his Saturday. However, when the dishwasher actually does fail, ask the man if he knows how to troubleshoot it and if he offers to come to your rescue and fix it, let him.

4. Make him feel empowered

Men like to feel being protectors and providers, and they love being acknowledged for that. When a man feels that you appreciate him for his acts of kindness, it can evoke the bonding process, making him fall in love. When he does anything that makes you happy, let him know that. Even if he’s unable to solve your problem or accomplish something, you can still help him feel like the hero by acknowledging his efforts. For example, “I really appreciate that you gave up a weekend to help me. I agree it’s best left to the repairman. Let me treat you to a meal for all your kindness and hard work.”

When he has an opportunity to do something for you, this is when he’s showing his true self.

Men like to feel being protectors and providers, and they love being acknowledged for that. Click To Tweet

5. Strike a balance between giving and receiving

We, women, are natural caregivers and nurturers by nature. We like to create happiness, beauty and take away others’ pain. These are our instincts. We want to nurture, but we also want to be independent and capable of achieving things ourselves. We definitely don’t want to seem needy, so where does it leave the men?

Opening up to receive from a man doesn’t mean that you are no longer giving or you are weak. It’s not all black or all white. Strike a balance. Thoughts such as “I don’t want to bother him with this” or “I’m embarrassed to ask him for help” can be set aside.

This isn’t about being needy, nor is it about controlling your man’s emotional responses. This is about being true to yourself and asking him for help if and when the time arises – and making sure he knows how much you appreciate him for doing so. As empathetic women, we tend to be intuitive to our man’s needs, so we want to give, give, give. While this is a beautiful trait, it’s also okay to receive. When you reveal your own needs and open up to receive, a man’s hero instinct gets triggered. It allows him to feel like he’s actively winning you over and earning your love.

6. Give him a hero opportunity

Whenever there’s a chance to trigger a man’s hero instinct, I refer to this as the hero opportunity. This allows him to assume his role as your personal hero. At the same time, it will help you to genuinely show your gratitude and appreciation to him.

Hero opportunities allow men to step into their masculine roles and enable women to graciously appreciate men for who they are. These are opportunities for both partners to strike a healthy balance between giving and receiving, validate, and enjoy one another. Here are a few examples that may help you identify these opportunities when they arise.

Ask for advice or input regarding work or a personal situation:
“Dear, I’ve been working on ___ at work; you’re so good with things like this. Could I please ask your insight on this?”

Allow him to offer you support:
“It really means a lot to me that you’ve been helping me with ___, and I can’t thank you enough.”

Ask him to help you with something that you’re unable to repair for yourself:
“Darling, my dishwasher has finally had it. I was about to call the repairman, and then I remembered how smart you are about these things. Would you mind taking a look at it? I’d sincerely appreciate it.”

If you’re working on something, ask to pick their brain:
“You’re so good at ___ and are the smartest person I know about things like this. Would you mind if I just picked your brain on this?”

Accept his acts of kindness:
“Thank you for opening the door, handing me ___, and it’s very kind of you to do ___ for me.”

Be gracious and be appreciative when someone does a nice thing for you. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or “too girly.” It means you appreciate his efforts, just as he appreciates yours. There’s nothing old-fashioned about good manners; they are timeless and never go out of style.

When you reveal your own needs and open up to receive, a man's hero instinct gets triggered. Click To Tweet

7. Always be gracious

As a nod to consistently having good manners, it is, of course, important to be gracious. You understand and empathize that someone has done something kind for you. Hence, you want to validate and show your appreciation. This isn’t about stroking man’s ego in a strategically planned maneuver to elicit a specific response from him. Instead, it’s about allowing a man to be who he is while you’re you and acknowledging the positives in one another.

The fact that a man has done a nice thing for you and has become your personal hero doesn’t mean that you owe him anything other than your gratitude. However, you should accept compliments, kindness, and favors graciously. This refers to the positive, proactive energy that is shared between you. In this energetic exchange, the two of you are both giving and receiving. It can have a profoundly positive impact on your connection and your relationship.

Regardless of the relationship stage you are in, there are many benefits of triggering hero instinct in a man. It can strengthen your emotional bond, make a man fall in love with you, and lay the foundations for a lasting relationship. It will help your partner feel positive in the relationship and feel happy for making you happy.

Helena is an intuitive spiritual counselor, adviser, and coach, who helps people successfully navigate their relationships and reach exclusivity and union with their partners. She specializes in love and relationships with a focus on soul connections, including Soulmates and Twin Flames. Helena is the founder of the relationship support group Twin Flame Sacred Connections. You can follow her on Instagram.