Awkward silences, ‘quirky’ personalities and embarrassing situations are common experiences that fit under the umbrella of bad dates. Now, thanks to online dating, these experiences are just a click away. That’s why I want to share my top five online dating disasters, in a bid to find someone who can match or even top my catastrophes. From Tinder traumas to the horrors of Happn, here I share five stories of the worst dates I’ve had.
Tinder tickling fetish traumas
Like all Tinder romances ours began with a right swipe. After a couple of banter filled messages I agreed to meet for a drink. Glitzy top on, I felt pleasantly excited. However, this was sadly short-lived as 15 minutes late, he eventually turned up and we had a drink at the pub. Stupidly, I then agreed when he suggested watching a film back at mine. Instantly I filled with regret, magnified when he said this to me: “Now when I watch a film I’ve got this thing I have to have someone tickle my hand.”
Insert awkwardest silence ever, broken eventually by: “It’s something my Mum used to do”. Awkward silence made even more awkward with the addition of mother issues detail. “I’m not doing that.”
“Oh go on” he replied as he started ticking his own hand as if the reason I refused was because I didn’t know how to tickle someone’s hand. A long tickling fetish filled 90 minutes later the film and the date finally came to an end. I never thought tickles would be on my list of online dating disasters.
The designer with ADHD
I’d already had one coffee date with this designer when I agreed to again for something stronger. However, I was slightly annoyed when he waited until 5pm to send a causal “you still on for tonight?” text. I replied, asking what time. At 7.45pm he texted: “let’s meet at 8.30.” I then rushed to get ready in 45 mins. Little did I know I needn’t have bothered, as it wasn’t until 8.45 he called a taxi.
At 9.15pm “Sorry the taxi is still not here.” Then at 9.45pm he finally arrived. Answering the door I didn’t try to hide my disdain. He noticed and began to reel out the excuses. “So sorry I got home and decided to go on a bike ride then there was this program I really go into then I was hungry and ordered a pizza”. He either had no concept of time or some serious attention issues.
I didn’t want to completely write him off as I’d waited long enough for it! I forgave him and ensured he got me a very strong drink. Vodka is powerful. It makes you forget your pissed-offiness. Sadly, alcohol didn’t have any relaxing qualities for him. He just fidgeted. The deal breaker was when he suggested “having it large tonight’s and going into town to get shots.” Not feeling the date with a Kevin and Perry wannabe, I decided to call it a night and ended the next episode of my online dating disasters.
Buffalo Bill was an accidental swipe, this is because he had a hot body but also the bushiest beard, not my type at all! But before I’d had a chance to un-match he’d sent me a message. Curious (and slightly distracted by the hot body) I decided to message back. A mild flirtation began and before I knew it I’d agreed to a date.
Arriving at the date, I’ve got to admit I was slightly taken a back by the beard – it seemed bushier in real life. Luckily, after a drink it became a lot more attractive. The conversation was flowing, unfortunately, the drink was too and two quick drinks in Buffalo Bill was ready to move on to the next bar. Not great for me, the all time biggest lightweight. At the next bar as I got the drinks, I managed to get something non-alcoholic to pace myself. Although, after the next Buffalo Bill confession, I think alcohol might have made it a bit easier to bear. You see it was in the second bar that Buffalo Bill decided to tell me about all the different drugs he’d done. Really? Is that actually first date conversation?
The date then turned into more of a bar crawl, when we moved on to the third drinking venue. It was here that the topic of drugs returned and Buffalo Bill invited me back to his house to try some. I’m not sure, exactly where recreational drug use fits into the official dating rules but for me on a first date it’s a definite no go, so I politely refused and made my way home.
The not so happening Happn date
To mix things up I’ll take a break from Tinder and tell you about a Happn date. Sadly, despite the name it wasn’t a ‘happy‘ experience. This guy was an Irish lecturer (the hottest accent ever, fact!), so when he invited me out for a coffee, I quickly agreed. Sadly, my excitement was again a bit premature. Arriving at the coffee shop there was a queue. The perfect space to break the ice with a bit of conversation I thought. My date didn’t agree and instead stood there mute. He didn’t react well to questioning either, responding only with one-word answers.
After what felt like hours, we finally got to the barista and I was in desperate need for a coffee! However, my date wasn’t and any hope I had of maybe a bit of caffeine adding some excitement to this dire date vanished when he ordered a decaf, no milk, no sugar coffee. It was clear my online dating disasters were just beginning.
Things didn’t improve when we sat down. I drank my caramel Americano whilst he sipped the most boring drink ever. I tried my best to salvage the date with conversation starters, flirting, even questions about football. Sadly, he wasn’t having any of it and after seriously the longest hour of my life I had to make my excuses and leave.
The ‘banterless’ builder
This guy was a builder and his stereotype cheesy builder bants messages didn’t really do much to ‘build’ on the attraction. However, when it got to Thursday and I still didn’t have any Friday night plans I thought I might as well give him a chance and go on a date. I was thinking something along the lines of a casual after work drink. This guy fancied meeting for a drink, a meal and the cinema too! Feeling more than a little anxious about the prospect of going for some sort of most activities on a first date record, I said yes to the drink and kept quiet about stage two and three of the dating marathon.
Arriving at the bar, I saw a guy standing in the right place at the right time, but the shy way he was standing, staring at the ground, didn’t match up with the cheesy ‘bants’ filled messages I’d received over the last few days at all. With no one else in sight I decided, despite his mousy appearance, this must be the guy so I took a deep breath and walked over to say hello.
Unfortunately, the response I got was so quiet and muffled that I swear some dogs wouldn’t be able to hear. Thankfully, from what I could decipher from the whisper, this was at least the right guy.
He then managed to squeak out would I like a drink. Replying with possibly the quickest yes I’ve said, I prayed that some alcohol would loosen up his vocal cords. No such luck. And as we sat drinking the slowest drinks ever I tried everything from hairdresser style small talk to shameless flirting to bring this guy out of shell. Sadly, every response was shorter (and quieter!) than the last. It got so bad that I gave up asking him to repeat his answers and simply smiled and nodded hoping I hadn’t agreed to something totally inappropriate.
Things went to online dating disasters material. He ordered the biggest cocktail. This not only took forever to make but a lifetime to drink! Then, conversation resorted to “Do you like animals?” and “What weather do you prefer?”. I had to escape to the toilet. In desperate need of an escape I did what any logical single girl would do in this situation. I rang my gay best friend. I told him about my dyer situation. He agreed to phone me with a fake crisis.
Escape plans are important when it comes to those bad dates. Returning to the bar my boring date was still only half way through his colossus cocktail when I felt my phone vibrate like crazy with my gay best friend phoning me. I was all set to answer when a pang of guilt suddenly set in.
I ignored it and sat through another 30 minutes of mind-numbing, boring conversation. Finally, his cocktail was finished and he asked what I fancied seeing at the cinema that night! Okay, I had a conscience but I wasn’t Mother Teresa. I said I suddenly felt very tired and ended it.