hook up

You have found a guy that you are really into, but he only hits you up for sex. You daydream about how amazing a relationship with him would be. It’s confusing that this is just a hook-up because you get along so well. This is the first time you have been interested in a guy in a long time. You are left wanting more and your mind begins to think if it is possible to turn this hook up into a relationship.

Is it possible?

The answer to the question depends on the guy and what he is looking for at a specific time in his life. He is either enjoying his single life, including hooking up or he is open to the idea of dating. If he has a history of dating one person for periods of time he may be open to dating again. However, if he rarely dates one person, it is unlikely that he is ready to turn a hook-up with you into a relationship. It is possible to gauge his interest in wanting more without putting all of your feelings on the line. Look at his pattern with women. Is he a player or a relationship guy? When you are out with your friends and see him with a different girl every time, then it’s unlikely he’s ready for a relationship. Regardless if you are the one that he ends up with at the end of the night. Just because you are his go-to for sex doesn’t mean that he wants more.

Make sure that you work smarter and not harder to get what you are looking for. Be sure to access your risk of getting hurt and the potential loss of a hook-up before moving forward. Don’t forget that the most important thing is your happiness. You need to do whatever it takes to preserve this. If you are wanting more from him, begin by taking small steps towards your goal of a relationship.

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Decide if he is relationship material

All you can think about is how he would be a great boyfriend. What about him makes you think that he is quality boyfriend material? What do you specifically like about him? Does he have the qualities you want from a partner in a relationship? If you aren’t sure, make a wish list of the qualities you are looking for, then compare these to his qualities. Start by figuring out his qualities outside the bedroom. Take a small step by inviting him out for coffee. This will give you the chance to see if he has qualities that are in line with what you are looking for. How close do these qualities line up with your wish list? Are there very few that are in common? If this is the case, you may want to take another look at your decision of wanting a relationship with him. If he does fit many of the qualities on your wish list, then you may have found someone who is worth a relationship.

Take Julie’s situation for example. Julie enjoyed her casual hookups with Tony. The sex was great and they always had fun. They have been one another’s Friend With Benefits (FWB) for a long time. Julie thought about all of the times Tony had been there for her when she needed him. He was a friend and she could depend on him. She knew this was the type of guy she wanted to be with. Julie wanted more than their current FWB relationship. After much deliberation, she told him that she wanted to try dating. She explained to him that if he didn’t want this with her then they would have to stop hooking up, but they could still be friends. Tony told her he would have to think about it and he didn’t want to jeopardize their friendship. He decided that he would give a relationship with Julie a try. He told her that it was worth trying versus losing the connection they had. Julie’s situation isn’t a common one and more times than not, a hookup remains just a hookup. However, you will never know if it could be more if you don’t try. If your guy has many of the qualities you are looking for in a potential partner, you are ready to move forward.

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Decide if you are going to make a move

You have given it a lot of thought, so now you have decided that he is worth it. You are at a point that you want a relationship, with him or without him. The next step is to think about if you are ready to make a move. Don’t waste your time thinking that he is going to ask you out on a date. If this were the case, it would have already happened. You have to be the one who takes action.

There are a few things to consider before moving forward. Are you prepared to lose him? If you ask him for more, are you ready to possibly lose him as your sex partner? When you ask for more than someone is willing to give, it can cause the current situation to change. If it is worth it to you, then think about how you will bring up the topic. One option is to bring it up casually, ‘Would you like to go out sometime?’ Notice how he responds and listen to what he says. If he says, ‘no’ or ‘I’m too busy’ then he isn’t interested in anything more. If he says, “Sure, some time” then ask if he wants to have dinner this week. Don’t wait for him, you have to be the one to take action. Another option is to be more direct, such as asking ‘Have you thought of what it would be like for us to date?’ The only way to find out if he wants more is to ask. Just make sure you are prepared for a ‘no’ so you aren’t caught off guard. Don’t underestimate the hurt that you may feel if he isn’t interested in more. If this happens, be gentle with yourself, and take time to heal.

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Taking the step to turn your hook up into a relationship is a big move. Decide when the right time is to approach the topic with him and have your best friend on standby for support or celebration. Remember, hookups are easy to find, but relationships aren’t as plentiful. Keep your life moving forward with him or without him.

Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author. She specializes in relationships and gender identities. Kristie helps people improve their relationships with themselves and others. When she isn't working with clients, consulting, or writing she enjoys spending time outside. She loves surfing, running, yoga, traveling, and reading.

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