have sex

Have you ever wondered why you have sex with someone? From make-up sex to random one-night stands, there are specific reasons that lead you to wanting intimacy. It is normal to think this, and I encourage you to question your motives with sex. Doing this allows you to learn, grow, and better understand yourself.

Each of us uses sex for different reasons. If you better understand how you use sex, then you will gain insight into what leads you to make decisions about sex. This can help you grow as an individual and find a healthy relationship. It also enables you to know what kind of relationships to avoid.

Understand your motives

The different ways you use sex may change throughout your lifetime. For example, as a young woman, you may have had sex because it was what was expected of you or proof that you were desired. Maybe while you are dating, you have sex with different people as you search to find the right partner. As you grow older, you may use sex as a way to connect with someone, and this is different than when you were younger. At another part of your timeline, you may have sex because you feel it is a duty you owe to your relationship.

Think of the last time you had sex, whether it was a one night stand, a hookup, or someone you are dating. What led you to decide to have sex? What were you looking for during the experience? What did you hope to get from sex at that time? Asking yourself these questions and gaining a better understanding of what you need will help you grow as an individual. To help you answer these questions, here are a few ways you may use sex.

  • Sex as a way to overcome loneliness.
  • Sex as a fun activity.
  • Sex as proof that your partner loves you.
  • Sex as a reward.
  • Sex as a mechanical duty in a relationship.
  • Sex as an adventure.
  • Sex as a way to have a baby.
  • Sex as a way to relax.
  • Sex as a form of coming together and connecting.

Now you have a better understanding of why you have sex. You can use this knowledge to help you make the best decisions going forward. Be gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself. Don’t criticise or view yourself in a negative way because of how you use sex. These are experiences that you go through and have the opportunity to grow as an individual. Embrace how you use sex, or change it for the better. You get to decide what is the best for you.

Know your sexual needs

Jill and Patrick started sex therapy with me because they struggled with a lack of sex. They both enjoyed their connection but couldn’t figure out why sex was an issue. They both reported healthy libidos and desire for one another. However, they felt resentment and anger towards one another. Patrick stated that Jill always turned him down when he tried to initiate sex, so he stopped asking for it. Jill shared that Patrick must not be attracted to her anymore because he stopped wanting sex.

Through counselling, Jill and Patrick identified that they used sex in different ways. Jill wanted to have sex in the evening because it helped her relax at the end of the day. Patrick always wanted sex in the morning before going to work. He felt tired in the evening and liked morning sex because it energised him for the day. Jill had no time or interest in morning sex. They were able to discuss how they used sex differently and began to compromise, so they both were able to get their needs met. Once they had a better understanding of one another’s needs, they worked through their differences.

It is essential for you to know how you use sex and what you need. If you don’t understand this, then your sexual needs won’t get met. You deserve to get your needs met. It is your responsibility to figure them out and express them to your sex partner.

Beware of how you use sex

Many women fall into the trap of thinking that sex can fix a relationship. This type of thinking can lead to disappointment and heartache. Sex can’t fix or save a relationship. It can help two people grow closer and better connect. However, in most relationships, sex isn’t the main issue even though it may appear to be. You need to figure out the main problem within the relationship and fix this so that intimacy has a space to grow.

Sex does not equal love. These are two very different things, and many women confuse the two. For example, Liz and Sam hook up a few times each month. Liz feels that she is falling in love with Sam because of the time they spend together. Sam doesn’t see this as a relationship. It’s just a hookup for sex that he enjoys. Liz wants a relationship with Sam, but he isn’t interested in this. Remember, just because someone has sex with you does not mean they love you. It is a way that some people show love but don’t think that this is why they are having sex with you. Many women don’t realise this, and they get hurt in the process.

Don’t use sex as a reward or punishment. Using sex for this reason, can cause many issues and conflict within a relationship. Holding back sex and giving it as a reward can add a power control struggle in the relationship. This action can lead to resentment and frustration. Don’t make your relationship harder than it has to be.

Sex is a healthy and normal thing that has many benefits. Knowledge is power and understanding how you use sex can help you make better decisions in your life. Your focus needs to be on understanding what sex means to you and how it can help you find the healthy connection you are looking for.

What are the reasons that you have sex? Which ones did I miss listing? Share them with us in the comment section below!

Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author. She specializes in relationships, sex therapy, and gender identities. She helps people improve the relationship with themselves and others. When she isn’t working with clients, consulting, or writing she enjoys spending time outside. She loves surfing, running, yoga, traveling, and reading. You can find her at KristieOverstreet.com.


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