I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year, and I never had an orgasm with him. In my past relationships, I usually was the first one to reach the climax, and I know that sometimes you have to show or tell him what you want, so your partner understands you. I tried hinting it at my boyfriend that I am not sexually satisfied, but he seems oblivious to it. Every time I get close to orgasm, he finishes first and then ignores all my hints. The reaction I usually get is his giggle ‘You’re insatiable,’ and if I subtly ask him to use his finger or a vibrator so I can reach my O, he wouldn’t do it. I feel quite frustrated about the sexual aspect of our relationship, which otherwise seems to be ok. Not sure what is the best thing to do in this situation.
Natalie, 29
Answered by:
Sex & Intimacy Coach

Dear Natalie,

I can imagine that you are pretty frustrated about the situation, so let’s solve this!

First of all, hinting never works! To get what you want with a guy, you need to be straight-forward. So no more hinting or subtle signs. You must be clear, concise, and direct.

Now, I get it; you don’t want to hurt your partner or make him feel uncomfortable, especially during lovemaking. It’s crucial that you don’t blame or criticize him, as it would create more damage to your relationship. However, you want to have a heart-to-heart conversation outside of the bedroom, where you talk about how you don’t orgasm when you are having sex with him, and ideally, you want to brainstorm the ideas together. Snuggle up on the couch, touch each other, and make sure you also share positive things about your relationship.

If he is teasing you that you are insatiable, it’s most likely because he thinks you got there already. You must be honest with him and tell him that you haven’t orgasmed yet — no sugar coating.

Next, we need to do a little anatomy recap here. Your clitoris is essential to your ability to experience orgasms. Sometimes people are more compatible physically than others, which means that the way you are built and the way he is made stimulates the right places. If that’s not the case, then you need manual stimulation. Don’t wait for him to do it, take your pleasure in your own hands, and stimulate your clitoris during lovemaking.

If you can experience orgasm on your own with manual stimulation or using a sex toy, then you know that your body responds to stimulus and if you aren’t getting there with intercourse, it’s because you aren’t getting the proper kind of stimulation. Only a few women experience orgasms during penetration alone. So make sure you have some foreplay and show your boyfriend where and how you like to be touched. Start with that first and only when you are fully aroused, and it feels like you are engorged can you move to penetration.

Relax and enjoy the journey. Make it more about the connection rather than the destination.