He Can’t Read Your Mind. How to Speak Up to Get the Best Sex Experience

best sex

Ladies, the days of complaining about bad sex are over. It’s your responsibility to get the best sex experience you desire. It’s time to hold yourself accountable for getting your needs met. Gone are the days of being the victim of unsatisfying foreplay and the elusive orgasm. The females that are having better sex than you are the ones who are speaking up for what they really want. Now, let’s tackle what is keeping you from speaking up, how to do it and get you the action you have been waiting for.

What if it’s difficult to talk about sex?

Many women struggle with talking about sex, and some are more comfortable doing it versus having a conversation about it. You may have grown up in a home that didn’t talk about sex and told that these things are a private matter. Your past experiences, interactions, and relationships affect how you view sex. You may feel shame or embarrassment about having a conversation about sex if your relationship is not sexually satisfying. The time has come for you to work through your shyness and start talking about it with your partner.

Another reason it can be difficult to speak up about what you sexually need is you may worry you will hurt your partner’s feelings. What if you tell him that you don’t like his go-to move? What if he gets upset, angry, or pulls away? Maybe you fear it will lead to an argument or conflict. It is understandable that you are worried about this, but your partner can’t read your mind about what you want. This means it is your responsibility to speak up.

Why it’s important that you tell him?

Most men won’t have a problem or issue with you speaking up about what you want in the bedroom or wherever you have sex. They are happy that you want to have sex with them. He does want to know what you like and don’t like because he wants to see you experience pleasure. Most men would rather watch their partner get turned on versus them experience pleasure. This is another reason why you need to tell him what you need.

If you want to change things up and try role-playing, use toys, or other new options let him know. He can’t read your mind, which means he doesn’t know how to help you experience the most pleasure. Make it easier for him by being clear what feels good. If he makes a move with his hand or body that you like tell him “Yes, that feels good.” Don’t make him have to figure it out by being silent and unresponsive. The same goes if he does something that doesn’t feel good. If his go-to move doesn’t do it for you, tell him, and stop suffering in silence.

How do you tell him what you like?

You have a better understanding of why it can be difficult to discuss these things. You also know the importance of why you have to take action. The timing of these conversations is important. This isn’t something you want to drop on him on the way to work in the morning or in the middle of dinner. The best time is when you are intimate during foreplay. This may sound obvious but you would be amazed at how some women pick bad timing for these conversations.

Every person and relationship is different. The only way to see a change in your sexual relationship is to overcome your shyness and take action. Here are a few tips to help you speak up about the sex you really want.

  • Use clear words and be as specific as possible. “I love it when you _____.”
  • Use both verbal and nonverbal actions. For example, take his hand and guide him where you want him to touch you while telling him how good it feels.
  • Play sex games, try intimacy questions, or have an open discussion about fantasies. Let him know you want to bring new options to the sex buffet.
  • If something doesn’t feel good, don’t hold it in. This will stack up and can lead to feeling resentful.
  • If you are struggling to speak up when you don’t like what he is doing, start with a compliment then tell him what you don’t like. For example, “I really like it when you_____, but when you _____ it doesn’t feel good.”

You don’t want your life to pass by wishing you had tried something different, fulfilled your sexual fantasies or had new experiences. You deserve happiness, pleasure, and the best sex now. Don’t let any more time pass without using your voice and telling him what you need. He wants you to have the conversation with him. Use this as an opportunity to grow every aspect of intimacy within your relationship.

Do you have any other ideas on how to speak up in order to have best sex experience? Share them in the comment section below!

Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author. She specializes in relationships, sex therapy, and gender identities. She helps people improve the relationship with themselves and others. When she isn’t working with clients, consulting, or writing she enjoys spending time outside. She loves surfing, running, yoga, traveling, and reading. You can find her at KristieOverstreet.com.


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