We all have naughty fantasies we’ve probably never shared with a partner, and we’re okay with keeping that majority of those wet dreams to ourselves. But what if you fancied something others may consider taboo in the bedroom that you want to experience in real life? How does one go about revealing their kinks and getting what they desire without pushing their lover away? Here are a few simple tips to open the lines of communication with your partner to get the bedroom kinks you need!
1. Be honest about your kinks
Fantasies we choose to keep to ourselves rarely go away, and we usually settle for “living” those desires out in the pornography we watch, the imaginary xxx-movie reel playing in our minds as we privately please ourselves, or cheating with others that share similar wants. Those options may be tolerable for some, but I can assure you the best thing to do is simply be honest with your partner about whatever it is you’d like to experience sexually. Telling the truth will liberate your spirit, get you one step closer to having one of your fantasies come true and improve your sex life. So how should one go about telling their lover about their kinks?
Don’t share your desires immediately before, during, or after having sex with your partner. That’s called an ambush and is totally uncool. The best time to have this type of conversation would be during an intimate but non-sexual moment together such as cuddling in bed, on the couch, or a romantic, flirty dinner. Your spouse will most likely already be in a mental and emotional state that where they’re more open, empathetic, and willing to listen to your needs. They’ll need time to process what you’ve revealed and will most likely have questions they want answers to as well. They’ll also want to give you their thoughts and concerns about what they’ve just learned so make sure you listen to what they have to say and try not to take their reaction personally.
2. Don’t use pressure
No two people are meant to enjoy the same exact things in life, so neither of you are wrong for liking or disliking certain kinks. Don’t make the mistake of believing that just because you’ve had a nonjudgmental sharing experience that has lead to a mutual interest that means it’s guaranteed to happen. Otherwise you’ll disappoint yourself and could unknowingly pressure your spouse into doing something they never really wanted to do. Be sure to elaborate on the fact that they aren’t under any obligation whatsoever to make your fantasies come true. You only wanted to share something personal with your partner, be honest with them, and you’re open to hearing what they may sexually enjoy that they’ve never told you before. Repeat the previous steps of listening and try to refrain from passing judgment on them as well if they reveal something you wouldn’t enjoy.
3. Have the consent conversation
One should always have the consent conversation before engaging in any sexual act no matter how much or little of importance you think it may be. Once you’ve both given a firm “yes” to proceed forward towards making a fantasy come true, it’s time to have another serious conversation. Sit down together with pen & paper and write out rules, do’s, and don’ts you both agree on, then place the list somewhere you both have access to and let it sit for a week. Think about what’s on the list, maybe jot down new rules you’ve thought of that were not covered before and bring it up the next time you revisit the topic together. Agree again. You should repeat this process over and over again before you decide to take your kinky desires to the next level. Get used to all this talking because it’s something that must occur for the remainder of the relationship for it to remain healthy, especially once you start introducing non-traditional elements into the mix.
4. Respect your partner’s boundaries
I know it’s easier said than done, but remember not to take it personally if your spouse doesn’t like or agree with whatever kink you may prefer. Never regret exposing your desires regardless because what you did was incredibly brave. Now would be the time to ask if any part of your fantasy/kink preference interested them at all and if so, would they be willing to indulge in that aspect of the desire and discuss ways to incorporate their needs as well.
5. Introduce creative rewrites
Good news, your lover finds some parts of your fantasy exciting and a mutual turn on! So, let’s take the most common fantasy of introducing a third party into the bedroom. Even though your partner likes the idea of both of you receiving simultaneous pleasure in different areas of the body, they would prefer there were no third person. What can you do? Glad you asked! One of the safest but interactive ways to introduce another person into a shared bedroom would be hopping online and connecting with an adult webcam model that can join both of you during sex. Most are happy to give or take sexual suggestions while you and your partner enjoy one another to create a semi-real experience that you can choose to enter and exit at any time.
You could also consider visiting a private adult club (aka “swingers club”) together with the agreement to only be physically intimate with each other while maybe watching another couple fool around in a nearby space. And don’t be timid, clubs and their members are usually very big on consent and respectful of rules of other couples if they decline an offer to participate, otherwise the fun ends for everyone.
If both of those options still feel too up close and personal for your partner, you can introduce sex toys specifically designed to provide dual stimulation for you or your partner, typically by searching an online novelty boutique’s inventory using the keywords, “dual” or “double”. Then there’s always watching a plural pleasuring film together that includes characters that entice you both and vocalise during sex.
As you’ve just read there are lots of ways one can bring long-held fantasies into reality if you communicate, reach comfortable agreements, and get creative in and out of the bedroom. But the first one needs to learn is how to negotiate and compromise for kink properly, and now you do. Hurray (and you’re welcome btw)!