sexual fantasies

What would your partner think if they knew what you fantasised about? Would you dare share it with them or do you keep your fantasies to yourself? Sexual fantasies are as common as the clouds in the sky. However, many women don’t talk about their fantasies. They may fear that their boyfriend will view them in a negative light or they don’t want them to think they aren’t satisfying enough. There are many men who don’t bring up their sexual fantasies because they fear they will upset their girlfriend. This leaves two people in a relationship who can’t discuss what turns them on sexually.

I spend a lot of time normalising all aspects of sex and sexuality with my clients. Especially around the topic of sexual fantasies. Often time people are surprised with how common their fantasies are. It can be very empowering to realise that you are not abnormal and that everyone has sexual fantasies at different times in their lives. Let’s start with the basics.

What are sexual fantasies?

A sexual fantasy is a mental image or story that leads to sexual arousal. It can even be a storyline you have seen or created. The defining part of sexual fantasy is that it stirs you sexually or causes you to feel aroused. There isn’t a right or wrong way to have a fantasy. It depends on you as an individual and what stimulates you. Some people will never act on their fantasies, and other people will act out their fantasies. Sexual fantasies are universal and have been around for many centuries according to history.

Just because you or your boyfriend has a fantasy doesn’t mean it has to be acted out. For example, if your boyfriend tells you that one of his fantasies is to have sex with you in a public place because he gets turned on by the chance of being seen by someone. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to try this but it is his fantasy, and he gets aroused thinking about it.

You are normal, I promise

If I were to ask 100 different people about their sexual fantasies, I would get a lot of different answers. It would range from very common bedroom kinks to others that I may have never heard of before. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the fantasy and there isn’t any judgement about the kind of fantasy you may have. I find that many people struggle with shame and guilt about their fantasies. This shame and guilt smothers your growth. I want you to break away from any shame or guilt you may feel and embrace who you are as a person.

Think of it as the different flavors of ice cream. There are thousands of different flavours and combinations. The three most popular flavours are vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. Sexual fantasies are the same way. There are so many different ones just as there are different people.

Common sexual fantasies

There are have been numerous studies and research on which sexual fantasies are more common than others. Over the years of my clinical work and according to many surveys, here are the most common sexual fantasies:

  • Having a threesome.
  • Being restrained or tied up with the ability to relinquish all control.
  • Having sex outside.
  • Having sex in a public place.
  • Meeting a stranger and having sex with them.
  • Another person watching you having sex.

Now that you know about the common sexual fantasies, I hope you feel more comfortable in your own. Have you discussed these with your partner?

Talk with your partner

Both you and your partner have sexual fantasies. Don’t be afraid to talk with them about it. This discussion can bring you closer together, help you feel more intimately connected and improve your sex life.

  • Pick the right time. I don’t recommend launching into this talk before going to work or as soon as they get home at the end of the day. Choose a time to discuss this when you both are relaxed, and not stressed.
  • Test the waters before jumping in head first. Start out the conversation by asking your partner about their fantasies. Ask them if their sexual fantasies have changed over the years. Once you start the conversation be prepared that they will ask you about yours.
  • Have a fun and light discussion. Don’t put pressure or force the conversation. Remember to keep it light and enjoyable so that you both can increase your connection by sharing what turns you on.
  • If you both mutually decide to act on a fantasy, you need to discuss guidelines that both of you can agree on. This includes consent and open discussions throughout the entire process.

Sexual fantasies are common and normal. Everyone experiences them throughout their life. There is no need to feel shame or guilt about what arouses you. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone in the process and engaging in consent, exploring your sexual fantasies can be very rewarding.

What barriers keep you from exploring and sharing your sexual fantasies? Share them in the comment section below!

Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author. She specializes in relationships, sex therapy, and gender identities. She helps people improve the relationship with themselves and others. When she isn’t working with clients, consulting, or writing she enjoys spending time outside. She loves surfing, running, yoga, traveling, and reading. You can find her at KristieOverstreet.com.


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